March 18 - McGwire is Massacred

Have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live skit where Will Farrell plays Alex Trebeck and he hosts a Jeopardy panel made up brainless types like Sean Connery and Burt Reynolds? This is the skit where the idiotic contestants come up with some of the most asinine answers imaginable. For instance, Trebeck will ask in Final Jep for the contestants to write down any number at all and Reynolds writes down the letter G while Connery scribbles something that looks like a parabola. It is classic stuff. Well yesterday, I felt as if I was watching the same skit repeated as I tuned in to the Steroid hearing on Capital Hill. This is a bold statement, but I cannot remember the last time I can recall grown men sound so stupid and that includes late night bar chatter with old drunks who are falling out of their chairs. And while all were a bit tortured, the clear leader of this challenged crew was Mr. Mark McGwire.

I am not sure where to begin with Mac. His testimony yesterday would have made Rod Serling proud because it came straight from the Twilight Zone. It started off badly for Mac as he was caught looking foolish in the first inning. Eight innings and four Ks later, Mac left the hearing with a tarnished reputation as both a player and public speaker. He opened the day by proving that he hasn’t quite mastered the skill of reading and at a few points, it seemed as if he was about to break down and start bawling. To make matters worse, he was sweating more then Albert Brooks did when he got his big break in the movie Broadcast News. When Mac started talking about his foundation to help abused children, I thought he was going down. His voice was cracking and the ducts were flooding. If someone had tossed a wounded kitten on the table in front of Mac, he would have broken down for sure. Unfortunately for Mark, this was the highlight of his day since it went all downhill after congressional panelists started asking questions.

Mark’s basic message yesterday was he would exercise his right to not admit or deny anything. It would have been better if he had stopped right there because on some occasions, he simply fell of a cliff. He provided some answers that weren’t even in the same ballpark as the question he was asked. Here is an example - “Mark, do you think its cheating to use steroids?” His answer was “I am not here to talk about the past. I am here to talk about the future. I am here for the positive.” Say what? What kind of answer is that? Somebody was asking him for an opinion and he responds by coughing up something that the cat left in the litter box. I bet if someone had asked him whether he thought Randy Johnson was a good pitcher or the DH should be eliminated, Mark would have come up with the same stock answer. This wasn’t just out of context; it was out of this universe. And worst of all, it continued for about two grueling hours.

St. Patrick’s Day ended up being a day of disgrace for Mr. McGwire and this is what I predicted when Congress issued him a subpoena last week. I didn’t get the outright confession I wanted, but I got the next best thing. After all, even without a confession, McGwire’s reputation is in a free fall. I just saw on ESPN that 88 percent of its readers now believe McGwire used steroids. I am a bit curious what those other 12 percent are thinking, but 88 still qualifies as a landslide. McGwire is toast. His reputation has been destroyed and his legacy as one of the game’s great has vanished. And Mark should just forget about doing any more commercials, PSA’s or speaking engagements, because the verbal skills he displayed yesterday are almost sub-human. The big question that looms for Mark is whether he still has a place in the Hall of Fame. I was actually one of the dissenters who never thought McGwire was that great to begin with (high strikeouts - poor situational guy), but now others are coming aboard. I just saw that Buster Olney of ESPN still plans on voting for McGwire when he is eligible for induction, but I suspect that Buster will not have a ton of company, and certainly not enough to put Mac over the top. Mark belongs in a Hall, but one that immortalizes Shame and not Fame.

My other thoughts on the day are as follows. Sammy Sosa was a complete waste of time and he probably should have been excused when it became apparent that he misplaced his ability to speak English on the plane trip to Washington. It is funny how Sammy seemingly had a good grasp of the language a few years back when he was adored by a whole city but somehow this mastery has faded over the past few years. I don’t care what that clown said yesterday – I still believe he was a juicer. According to ESPN, I am not alone on that point. On the other hand, I am not so convinced about Rafael Palmeiro’s guilt anymore. I thought he presented a fairly convincing case yesterday although it may have just been theatrics. He certainly wasn’t there to mess around. Right off the bat, he looked committee members in the eye and said he is completely innocent. He either is being truthful or he figured there is no available evidence against him and he can get away with this lie. For me, his truthfulness is a toss-up. And because I am no longer sure of Raf’s guilt, I am calling him yesterday’s big winner. Moving on, Schilling was typical Schilling. He was obviously the most articulate panelist but that isn’t saying a whole lot given the fact that he was up against a two retarded Cubans, a Dominican mute, and a lobotomized Irishman. Schilling, as customary, was long winded and arrogant, but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who watched the post-season last October. But the interesting thing about Schilling yesterday was his inconsistency. At times he sounded like a hardcore steroid hawk, but at other times he seemed fairly dovish. As such, he gets yesterday’s John Kerry award. And that leaves us with Canseco. Jose’s testimony was also a bit disjointed and he clearly has no idea what he knows or thinks. His memory fails him on most occasions and his credibility suffers as a result. I still generally believe what he has said, but he is not exactly a star witness. He would certainly crack when cross examined. I will have more to say on yesterday’s smorgasbord at a later date, but that will have to do for now.

There is some sick stuff going on in with the Oregon State football team. I mean sick! There are reports out that Beaver Defensive Lineman Ben Siegert was pulled over for driving 60 in a 25mph zone and then failed a breathe test. This is where the story gets twisted. In the back of his truck, Siegert had a live ram that he had just stolen from the Oregon State Sheep Center. (Before you ask, I believe Oregon State is the home of Oregon’s only veterinary school – hence the need for a Sheep center.) Along with Siegert, OSU football player Brent Bridges and an OSU co-ed were in the truck. When Siegert was asked by the Corvallis Gazette-Times about the incident, Siegert recalled being pulled over but denied any involvement with the ram. ’I don’t know anything about that. I’m from a city. I don’t know anything about Sheep,” Siegert told the Gazette. It turns out that the stolen ram is the subject of a study on Homosexuality in sheep. Siegert was ticketed with a DUI but the Ram did not press charges and so that potential charge was dropped. I gotta know what Siegert and his two buddies were planning to do with that poor gay ram. What kind of program is Mike Riley running up there in Corvalis? In recent months, a bunch of his players have had run-ins with the law and now one of his run stoppers has been caught kidnapping a 200 pound ram for purposes god only knows. As I wrote the other day, the University of Colorado has had problems with its players sexually assaulting females, but at least those females were human. OSU is in uncharted waters with this guy. Can you imagine the crap Siegert is going to take next year when he gets out on the field? I can just hear it now. “Hey Ram Fucker, I am coming for you!” If I am Coach Riley, I suspend Siegert and don’t let him back on the team until he apologizes to the ram and agrees to become a spokesman against the inhumane treatment of animals – and I am talking about all animals and not just the city animals with which he is familiar. I think its safe to say that Siegert will not be playing on Sundays for the football team that calls St.Louis its home.