April 6 - Insights from Indy

The Holic is still recovering from three days on non-stop drinking in Indy but here are some thoughts on this past weekend at the Final Four:

It is indisputable – the Final Four is the greatest major sporting event to attend. Sorry NFL’ers – there is simply no comparison. The Super Bowl is for sponsors while the FF is for the kids and the fans. Sure, when they park the Super Bowl in a great city like New Orleans it can be a good ride, but when it comes to sheer excitement and festivity, nothing ranks up there with the Final Four. In fact, if I had to rank events to attend – and I have pretty much been to everything – I would put the FF on top followed by the Summer Olympics. After that, nothing is that appealing unless you have an iron in the fire. Full disclosure – I have never been to Augusta, game day at Notre Dame or Florida, or the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest. (Hot Dog contest is coming down this July and South Bend may come off the list when the Bruins head there in October). What makes the Final Four so great – well, you got chicks (both college-style and middle-aged FF whores), you got celebs, you got bands, and you get three games for the price of one. It also helps when the host is a town like Indy where all the hotels, bars and arena are located within a mile of one another. So fans out there – get on Expedia and start lining plans for next March. I know its in Atlanta, but even that sporting desert couldn’t mess up something that is so inherently good.

More thoughts on Indy:

Indy is the perfect spot to host this event and it should probably be named the permanent host, but lets make this clear – the Capitol of Indiana is an eye sore in the middle of Nowhere Ville. Unless you are a fan of coal-fired power plants, dilapidated houses and street punks roaming the streets late night, this is not a tourist destination. Now I was told I wasn’t exposed to the affluent northern suburbs, but from what I saw in my seventy-two hours, Indy is a Shit Hole – two parts shit, one part hole. If it were a chemical compound, its symbol would be S2H. The people were nice and the downtown was passable, spruced up by the fact that 35,000 fans were milling about, but this is not a city I would choose to adopt.

Celebrity sightings: Jim Calhoun, Roy Williams, Steve Alford, Bill Russell, Kareem, Bill Walton, Mike Warren (Hill Street Blues – UCLA), Lucious Allen, Ed O’Bannon, that autistic kid from upstate New York (2x), Jay Bilas, Rece Davis, Howie Schwab, Howard Garfinkel, Jim Harrick, Steve Lavin, Bill Frieder, Karl Dorrell, Damon Bailey.

Hooked up with a couple of gals on Sudnay night who meet each other once a year -- at the final four. As far as the Holic is concerned, that is pretty good stuff. Two gals whose priorities are above reproach. I am thinking about turning this lovely story into a near-X screenplay. How bout this as a story. A guy and gal have a great hook up at the 1997 Final Four and somehow they fail to accurately exchange info. Their only connection is that each knows the other attends the FF every year. With that said, they each attend every year in hopes of finding and rekindling that Wildcat love. Along the way, all sorts of wacky hijinx befall our duo. Ashley Judd was born to play the female lead. For the male - I am thinking about casting myself.

Points on the game: Florida obviously dominated the final, but lets tone down the comparisons between Joakim Noah and Pat Ewing. Look whom Noah was playing against on Monday night – Lorenzo Mata and Ryan Hollins aren’t quite James Worthy, Hakeem or Ed Pinkney. Had King James been out there sporting a Bruins jersey, I’ll bet my ass some of those blocks would have morphed into gator facials. Now I will be the first to admit that Noah dominated that game, but let’s calm down before we err and put this guy on the all-time FF team. From my seat, it looked like Corey Brewer was probably the best all-around gator on the floor this weekend.

Pet Peeve – fans of teams playing for championships talking about next year and dynasties instead of the game at hand. I heard a lot of talk Monday from UCLA fans talking about 2007 when the Bruins were still alive to win in 2006. Jesus Christ – a national championship is just forty minutes away and all people could talk about was next year. What is wrong with these people? Folks – we watch sports for the moment – not the future. Is this about people taking comfort in a secure future rather then focusing on the possibility of near-term disappointment? Whatever it is – I find it repulsive. And when I hear it, I know I’m talking to a phony and its time to move on.


Lets get into some baseball:

As I wrote to some friends last night – has a closer ever been replaced after throwing just fourteen pitches? In case you missed it, that is what happened in Texas last night when Keith Foulke was supplanted by Jon Pappelbon as the closer of the Red Sox. This came after Foulke got cooked on Monday afternoon while throwing fourteen pitches in semi-mop duty. I saw this coming all off-season, but I was surprised it happened before Manager Terry Francona let Foulke cost the Sox five games. By truncating the process, I think the Sox probably went from a 90 win team to a 94 win team – that is the difference between letting Foulke pitch until Memorial Day and sitting him down on day three. So this is the sox strategy – Let Paps close until Craig Hansen is ready to don his Huston Street costume in two months (Hansen threw 12 scoreless this Spring but was sent down to work on his change). Judging from how Paps took care of business last night, the Sox bullpen is already in much better shape then it was 365 days ago. With Beckett and Schilling looking strong in their first starts, I have no choice but to upgrade Boston from under-perform to neutral.

I didn’t get a chance to write this at the time the news broke, but here is my Gary Sheffield thesis: Sheff was angling for the Yanks to pick up that option early this Spring because he knew his name was going to be front and center when this book on steroids came out. Most assume that Sheff is a model of consistency, but check out his numbers over the past three years. 2004 was clearly inferior to 2003 and 2005 was marginally worse then 2004. Now, with his name squarely in the steroid bin, Sheff knows he will not get a free pass to that option. He will have to put up a year to earn that money and that may not be so easy without the help of a weekly ass shot. What Sheff has going for him is that even if his numbers continue to trend down in 2006, the Yanks will probably overpay him by $4 million rather then go with a non-name in right come 2007.

Wow – tough loss for the Yanks last night. The Yanks sure look good on paper with all that offense, but they may have the worst defense in all of baseball. With that right side and absolutely nothing at any outfield spot, the Yanks will have to offset a whole lot of unearned runs. They may have picked up fifty runs in the off-season with JD, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this team gives thirty of those runs back with poor defense.

March 28 - Way to go Dad! Nice Shot!

Kudos go out this morning to my Dad who got off his ass and scored some nice tix to the Final Four this weekend. Although pressing 75, he saddled up like a giddy UCLA frosh, taking down travel and lodging before I had even begun scouring Expedia. Pops has had Bruin football and basketball ticks forever (football dates back to 82) and I guess this one wasn't going to pass him by without a look. I am now praying the Bruins win Saturday night because if the Bruins get knocked out, conversation could be a little thin come Monday afternoon. Thank god I got the Sox opener in Texas to kill that gap between lunch and gametime.

The Bruins are getting absolutely NO respect from the national media ahead of the Final Four and I love it. Yesterday on WFAN in New York, the Bruins were given no chance of taking two and this suits me just fine. The crux of the criticism is the Bruins play too ugly to win. Hey, I can’t really disagree with the first part of the premise, as I concede watching UCLA is about as tough as watching that new JL Dreyfus vehicle. That is a fact. But ugly offense didn’t stop the Ravens from winning a Super Bowl and it didn’t stop the Pistons from winning a NBA championship. The Bruins may lack style, but what they can do is lock-down their opponents and that could be a real headache for a team like LSU that also lacks elegance. If you don’t believe me, call Memphis 411 and get John Calipari’s number. Moreover, in case you haven’t watched LSU – here is their game plan. Clank jumpers and other errant runners and then go get it. True, Ty Thomas is an impressive athlete and Baby D is a load, but we aren’t talking Shaq and Chris Jackson. You keep Thomas off the rim and he becomes mediocre. You make Baby work and who knows what he becomes. Listen, I’m not sure Moute can keep Thomas off that glass but I know this for sure – Thomas won’t keep Moute off the glass on the other end. What I’m sure of is this is going to be an ugly game. It’s in a dome and neither team can shoot at home let alone in a cave. I say the team that shoots forty percent stands a pretty damn chance of winning.

Can the Red Sox and Devil Rays have a fight without a baseball game breaking out? I thought this was all supposed to end after Pedro split, but obviously I was mistaken. So the Sox bring in Julian Taverz and the first thing he does is blow his cool and belts Joey Gathright in the jaw during a meaningless spring training game. This guy is a certifiable nut job – always has been and I suspect the new scenery will only make things worse. Here my predictions on Taverez – I think he hits nine batters, gets tossed from three games, starts up with at least two teammates and goes after a fan outside a bar on Commonwealth. When it is all added up, Theo will be forced to put this guy on the market in July and pay some team to take this clown off Boston’s hands. Would somebody in the front office please keep Theo away from the middle relief signing line next off-season because he can’t help himself when it come to useless set-up guys.

Side note on the Red Sox-Rays – for some reason, Yankee fans like Fat Ass Farncesa, seem to think the Sox fighting rivalry is with them. NOT SO. When it comes to fighting, the big Sox rival is down in Tampa and has been since 2001 and the Pedro/Gerald Williams incident. Last year, it got ugly between these two teams at least twice down in Tampa, while the Sox-Yankees games resembled a game between choirboys. Of course, this could all change if the Yanks had some hurlers with balls, but that has never been a strong point of Mussina, and Carol can’t risk losing her back in a brawl. Here’s hoping Unit gets something going this year because I want the Sox to test drive Wily Mo and set him loose on whoever the Yanks want to sacrifice.

Tough day for former Republican power brokers. First, we see that Lyn Nofziger goes down and then Cap the Knife (Cap Weinberger) buys it. If I were Dave Stockman, I would take the afternoon off and steer clear of any industrial machinery.

Nice save by Jack last night. That was cutting it a bit close but what an assist from the new girl at station 6. Her dish on the gas pressure was instrumental is saving the Southland. By the way, do any Caltech engineering students look like that? Any? Ever? Shari, the gal in question, has got to be one of most flimsily cradfted character in show history. How bout that look and line after she was brushed? "He shouldn't have done that?" You know you got issues when Chloe thinks your a mess.

Mike Davis claimed Indiana was no place for either an outsider or a black so who do they go out and sign; a black outsider. I don’t have anything against Sampson and I think he has done a pretty good job at Oklahoma but given what Davis has said and what I think I know about Indiana, this seems like an odd hire. I don’t care what Hoosiers might say to the contrary – race matters in Bloomington. In that town, they don’t like cutters and they don’t like blacks. If that weren’t the case, Lavar Burton, and not the kid from Bad News Bears, would have been in Breaking Away. I am hoping Sampson can fix things at Indiana because I think college basketball is better off with a solid program down in Bloomington. Hey, I’ve had enough of Whiskey and Michigan State. Lets go back to the good old days where the Big-10 was about Michigan, Indiana and Ohio State. Ohio State is well on their way. Sampson will perhaps get Indiana straightened out. So that just leaves Michigan. Anyone see a moving sign outside of the Amaker’s home this morning?

How in the world can the NCAA Women’s Basketball Selection Committee justify an Eastern Regional final where number one duke has to play in Bridgeport against number 2 UCONN? Whatever happened to taking care of the top seeds? Did they not see this coming? How in the world can you send a one seed to play a game at what amounts to be the home gym of the number two seed? The Husky bitches sure caught a break on this one.

March 27 - "Mid-Major" - Lets Go to the Dictionary

For the past three weeks, we have been hearing a familiar refrain from this country’s basketball pundocracy and it is driving me crazy. Guys, would you stop claiming that a “mid-major” hasn’t made it to the Final Four since the tournament was expanded to 64 teams. That simply is not the case unless you consider the old Pacific Coast Athletic Association or the Atlantic-10 to be major conferences. Lest you forget, Vegas made the Final Four in 1987, 1990 and 1991 while Massachusetts made the Final Four in 1996. Sure, these were big teams, but they hailed from conferences that were clearly not major. Case in point - How is that Pacific is now called a “mid-major” because of its conference affiliation yet Vegas, who played in the same conference (precursor) is not? Folks, an etymologist will tell you that “mid-major” was conceived as a term to distinguish the power conferences from the others. That is it! As such, it is permissible to have great teams from “mid-major” conferences but for some reason, current pundits don’t understand that .My only explanation is that the term, as currently applied by guys like Nantz, only covers those teams that come from lesser conferences and were “invited” to the tourney as opposed to those that got automatic bids. Without such latitude, there simply is no way to claim that UNLV was not a mid-major. Sorry guys – just because a team is a monster during the regular season doesn’t mean the conference it plays in is anything other then sub-major. So while George Mason’s performance to date has been terrific, lets not go over-board and start claiming that no one from a smaller conference has ever done this before. The only difference is that in prior years, big fish from small ponds moved on while this year, we had a little fish from a small pond beat the number one team in the country. Sure, there is a difference, but at the end of the day, none of the fish we are talking about came from big lakes.

Here is a great line from Venerable Verne yesterday. After concluding with his partner that this tournament has been the “best ever,” Verne slapped this on the tape: “it has been a privilege to be a part of it.” That’s funny, I can’t recall seeing Verne out on the court, pacing the sidelines or selecting the teams. Message to Verne: you are an announcer, which is only one very small step above viewer on the participation food chain.

That George Mason game was incredible yesterday and this comes from a guy who tries pretty hard to moderate his use of superlatives. I gotta admit – if it comes down to George Mason and UCLA next Monday, I will be a bit torn. I love this Mason team. They are feisty, balanced, gutty and now believe they can win. Who’s to say they can’t? Certainly not Jim Calhoun, who was surprisingly gracious after watching his incredibly over-hyped Huskies go down 36 hours later then they should have. Florida is dangerous but I think Mason actually has more skill then the Gators. Are you telling me that Yannick’s kid has more skill then Will Thomas? No fucking way. That tennis player can move, but in terms of basic ball skills, Thomas beats that Gator 6-2, 6-4. I actually like Mason in this game. I know most are now scurrying for position on the gator bandwagon, but I’ll play the contrarian for one more round.

UCLA set back basketball by fifty years on Saturday night. That wasn’t just ugly. It was downright disgusting and there are some who think Ben Howland should perhaps be tried under the Geneva Conventions. Basketball is supposed to flow and have at least some sense of rhythm but none of that was on display at the O-rena on Saturday night. Instead, we got some mugging, a whole lot of assault and a borderline rape. Hey, as a Bruin diehard, I’ll take it, but I will concede it lacked style points. My advice to Howland – hire an offensive coordinator in the off-season because it’s clear that you don’t have a clue how to design an offense that generates good shots. Having Jordan Farmar dribble out the clock and then rush a shot looks a lot more like a prayer than an offense to me. Farmar is simply not that kind of player and it’s BH’s fault for putting him consistently in positions that he can’t handle. He made just one shot on Saturday and that wasn’t much better then Thursday against Gonzaga. By the way, for those of you on the East Coast who don’t stay up late for UCLA Thursday night action, this is not the first time this season that the Bruins have struggled offensively. It’s been a grind all year, but hell, if the Ravens won without any offense, who’s to say this group of Bruins can’t do the same thing.

Where all those Big East megaphones? Eight teams in – Eight teams out! Two number ones – GONE! And instead, we have two teams from the SEC, one from the Little-10 and one from the Colonial – ain’t life grand? By the way, everyone is squawking about how great this tourney has been but no one is mentioning how the ratings are way off last year. WAY OFF! Its funny, when the Olympics turned up soft numbers, everyone said its because the product stinks but when everyone’s favorite doesn’t come through, the outcry is barely heard. One reason for the decline – the Big-10 had three teams in the final eight last year (Illinois, Wisky, Mich State) and none this year. It probably didn’t help that UNC and Kentucky, two followed teams, made the comparison to last year very difficult.

Who has worse teeth – Stephen Ames, who won this week’s TPC or Ed Bradley of CBS 60 Minutes? Ames should just knock those out and start from scratch while someone has to tell Ed he can’t go on the air without his fake bi-cuspid. It was a bit ironic that last night, you had Ed, who is missing a few key incisors, interviewing a guy who has more teeth than any human mouth can handle.

Jeff Bagwell now says his career might be over. That begs the question – is Jeff’s house the last stop on the Pony Express? The memo saying Bags was busted went out in 2004 so how come he is just getting the message now? Bags in the HOF? Very questionable, but if I had a vote, I would say no by a hair. JB had big power numbers while playing in a bad park for most of his career, but his Ks were high and most of his damage was done in this questionable era of elevated stats. 1994 is what makes it tough for me. Bags had a monster year going before the strike and that is a confounding factor. Regardless of whether he should go to Cooperstown, I sure wish Lou Gorman hadn’t traded Bags in 1990 for Larry Anderson.

New Rule – you trade can’t trade your 25th guy for the 25th guy on another baseball team. As such, if I were the commissioner of baseball, I wouldn’t let the Juan Cruz for Brad Halsey trade go through. Guys, why bother. Rule 5 is one thing, but lets do away with this other garbage. Why clutter the daily transaction wire with such pollution? Not even the desperate roto guys care about this crap. Curious enough, why is it that ESPN’s Buster Olney wasn’t out this morning with a long and detailed analysis of this blockbuster? Two possible reasons – 1) his mom died and he didn’t have the energy; 2) More likely, one team involved didn’t come from New England so there was no reason to lavish inordinate attention on the transaction. In case you couldn’t tell – Buster and I had words last week

So Alfonso Soriano is now a hero because he showed up and played left field? This kind of reminds me of that Chris Rock line where some fathers want kudos because they don’t beat their kids. Sorry Alfonso – you get nothing for showing up at work and doing what your manager says.

I have been struck over the past few days over how much affection Yankee fans still have for Alfie. ESPN was soliciting comments on this whole mess the other day and there were more then a handful of comments coming in from New York supporting Mr. Sensitive. Additionally, Buster Olney, whose Yankee credentials are impeccable, vigorously defended Soriano in a column last week, arguing the misunderstood two-bagger is a great guy who never should have been put in this spot. Lastly, a fair amount of the calls coming into WFAN over the past few days have been complimentary of Soriano as both a player and a person. Do we need to break down the numbers even further for this clan?

March 22 - Vinatieri Vacates While Nation Vents

The story that has Patriot Nation talking this morning involves the departure of kicker Adam Vinatieri to the Indianapolis Colts. Lest you haven’t been paying attention, the Pats have had a very peculiar (some would say horrific) off-season where Super Bowl stalwarts Willie McGinest, David Givens, and Vinatieri were respectively jettisoned, abandoned, and discarded. The McGinest move was a bit tough to swallow since this is a guy who may someday have his face on Mt. Patsmore. Nonetheless, Willie had aged and therefore his release could be justified to all but the most sentimental. In the case of Givens, the Pats faced an entirely different set of facts. On one hand, the former seventh round pick had morphed into a very capable and clutch NFL receiver. But on the other hand, some in the league were overly-enamored with Givens and willing to pay him as if he had made a couple trips to Honolulu in recent years. While difficult to swallow, his departure could be justified under the auspices of fiscal prudence. But the case for Vinatieri’s departure seems more elusive. Here was a guy who has been absolute nails for this organization. Everyone knows about the snow game and the two Super Bowl clinchers, but there was more on AV’s resume. How bout the time in the 2003 playoffs when he nailed a super-clutch forty-yarder in arctic conditions against Tennessee? People forget that one but it was every bit as important as the one he nailed three weeks later in Houston. This guy’s importance to the Pats SB Trifecta cannot be minimized. He was Doctor Death in the eyes of opponents. The only difference between AV and Mariano Rivera is when V runs on the field, the loudspeakers don’t play Metalica

So what went wrong? Why was Vinatieri allowed to seek out greener pastures? Well, it seems like it all came down to money. The Pats are $20 Million under the cap and could have easily afforded to either franchise him or lock him up for three years. They chose to do neither and I believe they have made a mistake, and perhaps a very material one. Listen, AV has shown some wear of late. He is a bit short off the tee and there was that big miss in Denver to close out the season. I understand all of that but this is not a guy who was going to break the bank and the alternatives don’t seem all that appealing given the potential savings. After all, is two million a lot to spend for a hammer that can close out games, particularly in January? If you are undecided, why don’t you ask Herm Edwards or Tony Dungy that question since both were recently eliminated in playoff games decided by missed kicks. I hate to say this, but the Pats now run the risk of becoming the 1999 Red Sox where Rod Beck was asked to nail down games. Sorry guys, it didn’t work then and I am concerned that it won’t work for the Pats.

With Vinatieri now gone, there are many within Patriot nation whose faith in the Belichek regime has been shaken. “In Bill We Trust” has been replaced in some circles by “Is this Guy Losing It?” I think the answer may be somewhere in between. Listen, BB is obviously a sage, but I think his unwavering insistence on getting a market discount has come back to haunt the organization. While some have taken less money to stay (Vrabel, Bruschi, Brady), it seems that this regime’s conservative fiscal policy has rubbed some the wrong way. Moreover, it also appears to have scarred off some free agents who are not fond of laying money on the table. It strikes me that BB is a bit like a highly disciplined value investor (think Buffet), in that he has an idea in his mind of what fair value is and there is now way he is ever going to pay above that price. Well, you know what sometimes happens to investors like that – the market never hits their bid and they miss great opportunities by a matter of pennies. Discipline is one thing, but at some points in time, this organization must come to grips with the fact that it has to pay market prices once in a while. The Globe’s Mike Reiss echoed my thoughts this morning when he said, “I think there comes a point where you need a "statement" type of contract that shows you're not afraid to take care of deserving players and the Patriots could have done that with Vinatieri, a 10-year veteran who has made some of the most clutch kicks in team history.” It will be interesting to see how this all shakes out at Gillette. The Pats core is basically intact, a handful of key injuries have healed, the team still has a bunch of financial flexibility and a deep draft lies ahead. That being said, this is a club that has a few more holes today then it did when it walked off the field in Jacksonville thirteen months ago.

Quick Hits:

I gave Albany little shot at beating Connecticut last Friday, but for a brief moment there, I thought the Danes might have a little mojo working in their favor. Why the inclination? Well, on the day that former DePaul coach Ray Meyer passed, what would be more appropriate then having a number one seed lose in the NCAA tourney. Lest you have forgotten, Meyer once lost three consecutive opening round games in the NCAA tourney as a number one seed. The big difference is that when Meyer lost, the tourney was smaller and therefore DePaul lost its games after enjoying a first round bye. Regardless of this technicality, I will always remember Meyer for those three loses to UCLA, St. Joes and Boston College. In particular, that loss to St. Joes was an absolute stunner, as Jim Lynam’s Hawks knocked out a team with both Mark Aguirre and Terry Cummings. If a team like that could lose to a little school from Philly, who’s to say this UCONN team couldn’t have lost last Friday to Albany.

I find this story concerning Steve Alford interesting for two reasons. First, what did this guy do to turn off Indiana? 2) Why would he consider leaving Iowa for Missouri – that strikes me as a lateral (at best). With Alford out of the picture, who are the two guys under consideration for the job in Bloomington? Is Randy Whitman involved? Zeke? Beilein? This is a huge job and I am a bit surprised that the search has been kept under wraps and is already in the bottom of the seventh. .

Anyone notice that during the opening round of the tourney, we had the Bruins playing the Bruins and the Wildcats taking on the Wildcats? This week, we got a Huskies going up against the Huskies. Somebody needs to call the guys at Elias to see what the tourney record is for nickname on nickname crime.

Eighth and Ocean was very solid last night as one of the twins found out that here acne was ruining her modeling career. After being scolded for showing up at a casting for models with top-shelf complexions, the blotchey Sabrina absolutely broke down in an MTV instant classic.

We got a new Lost on tonight – curious to see if Fox reciprocates and someone from 24 shows up on the island tonight. Is it possible that President Palmer shows up as Walt’s real father? Nine Meyers jumps over from the Others and starts up with Sayid?

Do these numbers sound right – there is a AP story out of Iraq this morning chronicling an insurgent attack on a police station. Sixty gunmen attacked the station, the U.S. military responded and a two-hour firefight ensued. At the conclusion, four policemen were dead, five were wounded, fifty gunmen were captured but none of the insurgents were listed as killed or wounded. These numbers aren’t even remotely credible. Do they honestly expect me to believe that these guys fought each other for two hours, no insurgents were injured and then fifty of them gave up? What is this – paintball? Did we capture their flag? I realize that some stories coming out of Iraq are poorly reported, but much of blame lies at the feet of Iraqi and U.S. officials who can’t be relied upon to tell anything close to the truth.


Bronson Arroyo had a terrific exit interview with the Boston press corps the other day and I actually found myself a bit sad after re-reading the excerpts. In today’s day and age, where guys are bolting “disrespectful” organizations over a few million dollars, Arroyo truly wanted to stay in Boston and proved it by recently signing a below-market contract. So how did Boston repay Bronson? Well, Theo Epstein turned around and exiled his band-mate to red state hell. That is a bit like Van Halen trading David Lee Roth to a Christian rock band in Topeka, right after Roth turned down a gig to front Motley Crue. Despite the banishment, Bronson took the high-road on the way out of town and made no mention of being mistreated or disrespected by management. Clearly, Bronson didn’t read the same “How to Burn Bridges While Leaving Boston” book that guys like Johnny and Nomar have committed to memory. Both Bronson and D Lowe often drove me crazy when they were on the mound for the Sox, but each seemed like a good guy and each left Boston as professional. The same can’t be said for those other two clowns.

Staying with Arroyo, here is a money quote from an idiot who feels sorry for his old teammate. Likening Arroyo’s situation to his own, Johnny Damon said “I bought a house that I could not afford at the time in Boston because they said ‘We’re going to keep you. We’ll get something done real soon.” This supposed conversation occurred after the 2004 World Series, which was three years into Damon’s four-year/32M dollar contract. How can a guy who had just earned $24M, claim to have been hoodwinked into buying a house he couldn’t afford? What kind of house did he buy – the Kennedy’s Cape Compound? If I had a nickel for every idiotic thing this guy has said over the past year, I could go to the movies, snatch up a jumbo combo and still have money to cover the cab home.

Is it me or does it seem to be a stretch to guarantee $18.5 million for a guy who has registered just 21.5 sacks in five NFL seasons. I know the Hawks felt like a jilted lover and needed to go shopping after losing Steve Hutchison, but did they have to turn around that spend all that money on Julian Peterson? I know Peterson is a highly regarded player who has cover skills, but isn’t there a rule in the NFL that only linebackers who can rush the passer make big money? In Seattle’s defense, having Peterson play alongside Lofa Tatupu gives the Hawks an awful lot of speed in their second line of defense. They may be small, but those two are quick. With Peterson getting 18.5, what is Levar Arrington going to get? Better yet – what the hell is Richard Seymour going to pull out of the Pats? Now I know why the Pats have been quiet this off-season – they will have to fork over Brady money to extend Seymour. Ouch.

I may be in the minority here, but I don’t think the Jets got enough for John Abraham. It wasn’t exactly a seller’s market, but to only get the 29th pick for Abraham seems a bit lite. Hey, Abraham has trouble staying healthy and he is a bit of a pussy, but he can rush the passer. You don’t often find guys at 29 who can do that.

I am getting real tired of all these guys, particularly Fat Ass at WFAN, who pray at the altar of Alfonso Soriano. Sorry guys – his numbers are way exaggerated and here are some examples:

2004 2005
Road BA .244 .224
Road Slugging .444 .374
Road OPS .735 .639
BA Bases Empty .265 .292
BA RISP .253 .235
BA RISP/2Outs .210 .181

The moral to the story is you got a real selfish guy whose numbers were hugely inflated at Ameriquest and a guy who does little damage with runners on base. How can you pay $10 million dollars to a recalcitrant who hits under .200 in the money spot? Oh, for those of you who think this guy is Mr. October, here is the government’s case against: Soriano is a .233 post-season hitter with just four bombs and 14 runs scored in 154 plate appearances. The government rests.

March 21 - Sheff Being Sheff?

With Terrell Owens temporarily satisfied down in Dallas, the current title of “most insufferable and selfish clown” in sports probably goes to a surly slugger named Gary Sheffield. This guy just won’t shut up. Just two weeks ago, Sheff unleashed a patented tirade when it became apparent that the Yanks had no interest in picking up his bloated 2007 option prior to the beginning of the season. It seems the Yanks would like to see just a little bit more from Gump before they pay him thirteen million dollars to play a season from now. Sheff was eventually mollified by some kind and constructive words from his third grade teacher – Brian Cashman - but the afterglow wore off this weekend when Gump complained that he never felt comfortable in New York because he is constantly being asked to prove himself. Poor Gary. First he self-negotiates a contract that is worth ten percent less then he was led to believe and then he is told that he actually may have to put in three solid years in order to get paid for a fourth. This guy just can’t catch a break.

Somebody with some sense and body armor has to pull this guy over and explain to him that $13 million dollar options don’t get routinely rubber-stamped for old guys whose numbers have declined the past two years. And in this case, the numbers don’t lie. In 2003, Sheff, having been roofed by Barry during the off-season before, had a monster year – hitting .330, with 39 bombs and an OPS (on base percentage plus slugging) over .1000. In 2004, the average came in 40 points, while his OPS sank by a dollar. Yankee apologists explained the correction by arguing all summer that Sheff was bothered by a shoulder problem, but that shoulder problem was supposedly fixed after the 2004 season and yet Sheff’s numbers came in once again during 2005. Sure, he still jacked 34 bombs in over 580 at bats, but he scored fewer runs, had fewer extras and his OPS fell under .900. The last time Sheff’s OPS was this low, he was playing in the spacious confines of Florida and Monica L was trying out presidential cigars. So that brings us to 2006. The bet here is Gary knows he is slowing and he is watching 2003 fade fast in the rearview window. The drugs that comforted his quads and shoulder are now outlawed and his lightening-quick hands are not quite as quick as they once were. On top of that, Gump now knows his option is in play and he is starting to perhaps press just a bit. After all, Sheff is just 2-24 this spring and it seems plausible that this insecure clown is just a bit concerned that he isn’t going to make it to the finish line where $13 million awaits. Instead, he may be re-routed to a separate line where the banner reads: WELCOME GUMP - how does 2/19M (4 deferred) with a team option for 2009 sound? Some Yankee locals completely dismiss such talk by plagiarizing Boston-speak and stressing Sheff is just being Sheff. When it comes time to play ball, this camp argues Sheff will hit. He always has and he always will, so the story goes. Well, I for one don’t think the story reads so well with the addendum on steroids and the new chapter on life after 37. I am still a couple of chapters from the end, but the story I am reading doesn’t feel like it’s going to have a warm and cuddly ending.

Some quick hits:

It must be that time of year – once again, the media can’t help itself from claiming that the upsets in this year’s NCAA tourney are somehow historically anomalous. Sorry guys – you are wrong. It’s all in the numbers. This year, we lost only six seeded teams in the opening two rounds, none of which were top seeds. As such, this was actually a fairly lite year as far as upsets go. If you don’t believe me, check your facts. Over the past twenty or so tourneys, we generally lose between six and eight seeds during the opening weekend. It was seven in 03 and 04, while it was eight last year. If you want carnage, go back to 2000 when nine seeds went down before the regionals. The same held true in 1990 and 1986. So lets save all the talk of how the tourney has changed so much over the years. Upsets have always been a part of this party. Sure, some new trends have seemingly increased parity in the game, but the tourney is still its same old self. .

Kudos to the Japanese for winning the WBC! It was probably the biggest win for Japanese baseball since those 13 year-olds beat the Bears in a sandlot at the end of BNB III. All you naysayers were wrong – this tourney had plenty of juice and it is probably here to stay. I actually am a bit disappointed the Cubans didn’t win. Such a win would have triggered an earthquake in South Florida and nothing pleases me more then seeing those jerkoffs foam at the mouth. But I am wondering – with the score 10-6 in the ninth, how come the Cubans didn’t let the Beard pinch hit. Talk about a big moment that people would be discussing around the water cooler this morning. “You see Castro lean out and slap that two-strike change to left? I gotta hand it to that old son-of-a-bitch, he is one tough out!”

Can BH Kim get anyone out in the ninth inning? Anyone at all? First it was the Yankees in 2001. Then it was the rest of major league baseball and now the Japanese. Who’s next? The North Koreans in a friendly game in the DMZ? I can hear it now: “here’s the pitch from Kim. Roh drills a long fly ball to left, back, back, its in the mine field, Home Run North Korea and with that the North Koreans have won the right to join the world’s nuclear club.” With his stellar track record, I wouldn’t let Kim close out the Pizza Hut celebrity slow pitch game, let alone a hardball game that meant something.

What is the NCAA doing hosting a Women’s Basketball Regional in Bridgeport Connecticut? Was the armory in Fall River taken next weekend? How bout the VFW Hall in Scranton? Am I missing something here? Perhaps there is a big lesbian community in Bridgeport that I don’t know about? If not, how did BP steal this show away from beautiful Hartford?

We have had a great little run in 24 the past few weeks. Lot of deaths at CTU, including two of my personal favorites, Tony Almeida and Edgar Stiles, but the show has pressed on like an aging champion not quite ready to hang them up. Listen, this show jumped the shark at least a season ago, but I am still there every Monday night. I do like the fact that Desmond from Lost made an appearance last night. So that’s where he ran off to – the German intelligence service. He has got to be furious at the move Jack pulled. Can you even program a memory chip to self-destruct? Is that a new Toshiba offering? Come to think of it, I have so much to say on this episode of 24 that I may bring back my Nina Meyers blog.

Staying on TV for a minute – check out the new MTV show 8th and Ocean (Tuesday’s at 10:30). If you like Laguna Beach, you’ll love Ocho and Playa. The recipe – how models struggle with their beauty in a shared apartment down in South Beach. With those ingredients, it’s a slam-dunk. Last week, we had one of the girls attend a meeting hosted by an organization called, Models for God. I think tonight we get the episode where one gal is told that her acne may get in the way of a successful career in front of the camera. This could go directly into the MTV Hall of Fame. Kudos to creator Liz Gateley for coming up with another blockbuster that satisfies my thirst to re-live my early twenties.

Worst thing about the NCAA Tourney: No Survivor for three weeks. We’re at the merge folks – its time to start paying attention. My early money is on Sally, although Terry will be tough to take out. For my long shot, I’ll go with Shane. He’s a good athelete who seems to be in deep trouble but I can see him flipping the game. And he’s a certifiable psycho and its about time one of those gets into the winners circle.

I like this preview for the new Fox show – Unanimous. People stuck down in a bunker and they can’t get out until they all agree to give one person a bounty of loot. This has potential.

How can the Miami Dolphins be in on every major free agent on the market? The last time I checked, the Dolphins had minimal cap room to play with, yet everywhere I look, the fish are pursuing high-end free agents. Julian Peterson, Kerry Collins, Levar Arrington, Ty Law – the beat goes on. How is this possible, particularly after the Fish have already spent a considerable amount of money this off-season? Is it possible that the Fish have become the AFC version of the Washington Redskins? Perhaps the Dolphins, buoyed by their strong finish, think their future is now and its time to go for it. Well, if that is the case, why did the Dolphins trade for a QB who may not be ready in 2006? I guess this is what happens when you hire a GM whose resume is highlighted by a stint with the Saints and a stint in Bristol where he was often asked to share his thoughts on fantasy football. I wonder if Saban ever calls up his friend in New England and asks: “how do I get one of those Scott Pioli’s?”

It went un-reported, but Bode Miller actually won the final Super-G of the World Cup season last Friday. This isn’t exactly timely, but this scribe thinks Bode was unfairly buried at the Olympics by a media corps that has no idea what the sport of skiing is all about. Is Bode a clown? YES! Does he sometimes say idiotic things? ABSOLUTELY! Is he a disgrace and a choke artist? No way! First of all, Miller has been skiing on a bad knee all year. Secondly, this is a guy who won the biggest title in ALL of skiing in 2005 – the FIS World Cup Combined. That is the top of the sport. PERIOD. The Olympics is big, but this guy had already won the Super Bowl. Ask any skier what they would prefer and 98 out of 100 will say the WC Combined over an Olympic gold. Sure, Miller had a disappointing Olympics, but that doesn’t mask the fact that he has enjoyed incredible success in his sport. Sorry to disappoint, but this guy is the most accomplished skier in U.S. History, and that was before this ski season kicked off last November in Lake Louise. Like Soccer, Tennis and Road Cycling, the biggest win in Skiing does not come at the Olympics but the press corps lost track of that fact when it conflicted with their anti-Miller headlines. It is too bad because as Miller showed last Friday, he is still at the top of his sport, even on one bad knee.

Whatever happened to Donyell Marshall? I was checking out some stats the other day and stumbled upon these: In 26 MPG, Donyell is averaging just nine points a game on THIRTY-EIGHT percent shooting. When did Donyell get his advanced degree in masonry? 38%? If he finishes cold, Marshall could end the season with a lower number then the President. And if that number doesn’t shock you, try this one on for size. This month, Donyell is averaging under five a game while playing 20 mpg’s. Could this guy still start for his alma matter? Is it possible that fellow Husky Cliff Robinson might outlast Marshall in the NBA?

Anyone notice that Darko has a pulse down in Orlando. I wouldn’t go crazy just yet, but DM has blocked 16 shots in his last four games for the Magic. This just may turn out to be a good deal for the magic.

The Holic is praying that Frank Robinson does something dramatic to punish Alfonso Soriano - the latest in a series of ass-clowns exported from Texas to Washington D.C. Soriano, this week, lived up to his selfish word when he refused to take up position in left field. It seems the kid who embarrasses himself everyday at second is just a bit concerned that his play in left will end up looking like a SNL skit gone awry. I haven’t seen balls this big since I caught a Peter North film last month. Anyways, regardless of what he might say about embarrassing himself, Soriano won’t budge because he doesn’t want to hit free agency next year as an outfielder where his over-hyped offensive skills might be less appreciated and less rewarded. In other words, he thinks his payday will come as a two-bagger and hell if he is going to move for anyone. That’s the spirit Alfie. Way to highlight your arrogance and stellar character on the eve of free agency. Who in the Capitol is advising this guy – somebody from the Vice President’s Office?

In light of Soriano’s intransigence, Robinson is considering “disqualifying” him, meaning he won’t get paid and he won’t accrue MLB service time. Such a designation would keep Soriano from becoming a free agent next year and perhaps make him the early favorite to win the 2008 Comeback Player of the Year Award. Now a DQ is unlikely to come to fruition, but with the stubborn Robinson, anything is possible, and I, for one, am rooting for the Robby-Style DQ. As for Soriano, I am not so sure he will get his payday as either an outfielder or second baseman, AS is a guy who was completely exposed in the 2003 ALCS and hasn’t been the same since. Check it out – in 2004, his OPS was just .735 away from the driving range in Arlington. Last year, his road OPS was a Belhorn-esque .640. This is a guy who slugged nearly 300 points higher at his comfy home then on the road. Guys, he is a creature of home cooking. You put him in a normal park, let alone a cavern like RFK, and he hits .260 and slugs .450. Not bad, but nothing close to the numbers he produced before pitchers found out he will chase anything in the park – except lazy fly balls hit to him out in left field.

Here were my initial thoughts on the trade yesterday that brought the Sox Wily Mo Pena for Bronson Arroyo: “This Arroyo trade is Asinine! Hey BA ain’t much, but he’ll give you innings and a load of quality starts. Last year, I thought I was being generous when I called Willie Mo the ‘worst prospect in baseball.’ Here is the money stat – Pena’s OPS outside of Cincy last year was .707. For some reason, it was also very low at night, which could be a problem in this era where most games tend to start after the sun goes down. So basically the Sox traded a guy who will give you 200 innings and 20 quality starts for a guy who struck out 116 times in 331 plate appearances, can’t hit on the road or after 7:30 P.M. You talk about a specialty player, Pena was brought in to face lefties on Patriots Day and Sunday’s – provided Boston isn’t playing in the ESPN night game.” Well, eighteen hours later, I have tempered my disgust as it now occurs to me that this guy does hit lefties and with Beddard, Kazmir, Lilly, Johnson, Chacin, and Ryan in the East, a lefty killer is not such a bad thing. Moreover, the guy supposedly had a nice winter and its possible that with some more seasoning, Wily Mo could become a player and cheap insurance in the event that Trot Nixon breaks down again or splits after the season. Nonetheless, I still believe the Sox erred by trading Arroyo when they did. This guy is a valuable chip that will become more valuable the moment another contender losses a starting pitcher. Had the Sox waited a few weeks, I believe Arroyo could have fetched more. And with it now looking like Mike Lowell will be a debacle at third, it strikes me that the Sox will need a right-handed third or first baseman in the not so distant future. As such, I would have held on to Arroyo until Lowell had been diagnosed and the market for pitching heated up.

It dawned on me yesterday that the New York Knicks this summer will probably have to write out a giant check to make this Larry Brown-Starbury problem go away. It has gotten to the point where one recalcitrant must go and the only way out, as I see it, is through a buyout. So what’s the damage? Well, in Starbury’s case, the Knicks are on the hook for $60 million with little chance for negotiation. In Brown’s case, they owe $40 million, but I am sure that is negotiable since even Brown would have trouble accepting such a large payout for just one year of work. Some might argue there is a third option – trading Starbury – but I don’t see that as remotely credible. The reason: there is not a team in the league that has enough bad contracts on hand to exchange with the Knicks. The problem here is Marbury’s contract is just horrific, even by NBA standards. Believe me – I checked. Kenyon Martin – not even close. Rahim – sorry guys, he no longer makes big money. Brian Grant – in the same ballpark, but his contract is expiring so the Lakers aren’t going to waste that asset on Stephon. I guess the Knicks could do something with Golden State for Baron Davis and Adonal Foyle, or with Philly for Allen Iverson, but why would either want the now disgraced Starbury? And beyond these deals, there really aren’t a whole lot of other options. Now, I am sure Larry Brown would be receptive to a Iverson deal, but could Philly GM Billy King keep his job if he made that trade? I think he would love to dump Iverson, but getting Marbury in return does little to improve his stock. Simply put, it is a shit show at the Garden and the only way out, as I see it, is via a certified check to one of the two stooges.

The Holic Returns

Its been a while, but the Holic found some inspiration last night and decided to get a bit off his chest. Coming off a seven month layoff, the Holic is a bit rusty, but here goes.

Last year, I made a point of lampooning those who rely too heavily on the terms “bubble,” “Sweet Sixteen” and “Elite Eight” when discussing the NCAA tourney. The Holic’s thesis was these clichés had dumbed down tourney talk over the years and discourse should return to the glory days when teams advanced to regionals and regional finals. Well this year, I am going to take it one step forward and declare war on those who haphazardly throw around the word “run.” Lets get this straight – doesn’t the word “run,” when used as a noun, imply the traveling of some distance? After all, isn’t it a bit disingenuous to trot around the block and then tell a friend you got up early this morning and went for a “run?” The same theory applies in the gaming world. How can you possibly claim to have gone on a run in Blackjack when you won just two or three hands? You can’t and that is why most tired gambling stories don’t rely on the term unless a truly material winning streak came to fruition. So this begs the question: there seems to be some minimum standard used when “run” is applied as a noun in other settings, but how come this standard is thrown out the door when we are discussing the NCAAs? Sorry guys, UW-Milwaukee won two games last year – THAT IS NOT A RUN! UAB won two games in 2004 as a nine seed – again – NOT A RUN. Butler, a twelve seed in 2003, also won two games. Sorry guys - not a run. All three of these mislabeled “runs” were real nice opening weekends, but nothing more. Lets clean it up guys. In the future, lets try to be a bit more compliant with the terms and parameters of the English language. As such, I am proposing a new rule. From here on out, there is no using the term “run” for any top-24 team that doesn’t win a regional final. Secondly, I’ll bend on the lower-seeds and allow that “run” can be used to describe those teams that win three games and go down valiantly in game four. But be careful, I don’t want to hear someone a year from now talk in glowing terms about Wilmington’s great ‘run” when they got blown out by 37 in a regional final to Texas.

While we are tightening up our tourney talk, lets also do away with some of those old-age axioms that are supposed to predict and dictate tourney success. Lets see, according to conventional wisdom, a championship tourney team must have “senior leadership,” great backcourt play, a dominant big man, and be battle tested against a tough schedule. Sorry guys – there is no such thing as a full-proof axiom so lets just put these little babies in the drawer. Just in case you want some evidence before you vote to indict, I submit that UNC won last year without any seniors, UCONN won in 2004 with TALIK BROWN running the show, and Arizona won in 1997 with nothing up front. Sure, it helps having each of these ingredients, but history has shown that none is required to make the dish work.

Lets move on to some hoops and the selections:

With regard to the seeding, no real complaints from this dog: Sure, Tennessee is seeded too high and Hofstra probably deserved to go ahead of George Mason, but why should I be broken up that Florida State didn’t get in? I thought Jim and Billy really mounted a poor argument last night when they went after the committee for not giving the power conferences a couple more bids. Nantz, in particular, was armed with mountains of data, all of which was misapplied. His basic thesis was if you look at the ACC over the past five years, they have won a ton of tourney games and three titles. With such a record, how can Maryland or Florida State be passed over for George Mason or Bradley? What Jimbo failed to disclose is those games were largely won by the ACC’s big boys and not the doormats that got in late because their older brothers were allowed to bring a guest. The issue is not whether the ACC’s big boys should be invited - it’s whether or not to invite the kid brother. Is Maryland better then Air Force? Sure it is and the bet here is Florida State would probably take 7 out of 10 from Bradley. But at the end of the day, does it really matter who gets those final spots? The last couple at-large bids can sometime stir up a little commotion, but I can’t recall a double-digit seed going to the final four since LSU in 1986. The morale to this story is neither FSU or Maryland had very good years, neither had good schedules (FSU’s was terrible) and neither picked up the big conference tourney game it needed.

Some initial thoughts and observations:

I would love to see a UNCW v. Duke match up in round two. I can’t say I watched a whole lot of Colonial hoops this year, but I did watch the conference final and Wilmington can play. They got some size and their wing guys can shoot. I’m not looking forward to that Whiskey/Zona game at all – probably the two coldest at-large teams in the tourney right now. The bet here is Lute can't wait for this season to end and his cats play like dogs. Syracuse has a bit of mojo working right now, but I hate that second round match-up against LSU. If one five-seed must fall, Syracuse is probably the safest bet, but I actually think this might be the year the 5-12 jinx may be broken. As for first round upsets of seeded teams, I think Winthrop or South Alabama could perhaps put a blemish on one of those two SEC paper tigers.

I tend to agree with those pundits who argue that Minneapolis is the toughest region in this year’s tourney. I know Ohio State lost yesterday, but they strike me as the best two seed and I like BC a bunch in that four hole. On the flip side, Oakland appears to be the weakest bracket as Zaga is a mark, and both UCLA and Memphis came out of terrible conferences. My final four – I’ll take Texas, UCLA, UCONN and Ohio State. Side note on the UCLA homer pick – the last time the Bruins went to the Final Four – 1995 – they went through Oakland.

Who had a tougher month: Michigan Basketball or the Bush Administration? Before you answer, here are the facts. Since February 1, the Big Blue lost seven of nine, including a thirty pointer at Iowa, a 14 pointer at Division III Purdue, a 12 pointer at home against the headless Hoosiers and must have against Minnesota in the Big-11 conference tourney. At what point do we have to close the book on the Tommy Amaker experiment? Kids, it has been five years since the golden child was brought to Ann Arbor and he still hasn’t rung the register. Listen, in his defense, Amaker inherited a bag of shit, but five years is enough time to raise the dead and in this instance, the corpse still isn’t twitching. If I were the powers that be at Michigan, I would can TA and then fly down to Morgantown and scoop up John Beilien. Either that or bring back Roy Tarpley to coach.

In light of the Amaker debacle, I am starting to think the last thing any Duke fan should ever want is a Christmas present that says Johnny Dawkins is the new head basketball coach in Durham. Before any of you pogo hopping zealots chime in, lets first take a look at the Coach K dysfunctional coaching tree. Why don’t we start out in Missouri where a guy named Quin Snyder was run out of town for murdering an innocent and respectable program. Snyder didn’t just lose – he brought in a kid - Ricky Clemons - who slept with the chancellor’s wife. Moving on, we have Mike Brey up at Notre Dame who has quietly put together a three-year tourney drought in South Bend. What’s his excuse – the admission standards are too tough? Sorry Mike – Torrin Francis is on your watch. Not convinced? How bout Dave Henderson, the sixth man on Duke’s first NCAA Final Four team under K. He coaches at Delaware, where his Blue Hens were a blistering 9-21 this year. Things are only a bit better down at VCU where Duke grad Jeff Capel guided the Rams to a respectable sixth place showing in the Colonial Conference. With a coaching tree like this, Devil fans have to be just a bit concerned about the prospect that JD, or someone else from within the family, will someday be given the keys to the Cameron Caddy.

Caught a good kid’s flick yesterday called Miracle Dogs. It’s a fine tribute to the Springer Spaniel, a fine breed that has moved into my top-8 over the past year. Top-4 remain the Berner, the Newf, the Pyr and the 15-inch beagle but the Spaniel is right there nipping at the beagle. Also caught Open Water on Showtime the other night. It was better in the theatre, but I strongly recommend it. Made for just 50K, OW contains good suspense and a totally gratuitous full-frontal female nude shot. Some of the dialogue is a bit contrived, but it is well acted and the female lead (Blanchard Ryan) is a top-shelf cougar. By the way – her dad once ran the Flyers. And speaking of pucks, Slap Shot has been getting a run on Showtime this month. Not only is SS one of the most under-appreciated sports films of all-time, but it never got its due against the big comedies of the late 70’s. It might fall a bit short of Animal House and The Jerk, but I’ll take it over Stripes any day of the week.

The Holic wants to know who is the gal that sits next to Tyler Hansborugh’s father at every UNC game? Two questions: 1) Is she Tyler’s mom, girlfriend or sister; and, 2) Are those bombs real? If she is indeed his mom, the guys at MILF Hunter.com need to check on her availability. The bet here is there probably isn’t a guy on the UNC team that hasn’t had impure thoughts about Tyler’s whatever. Come to think of it, there probably isn’t a gal on UNC’s top-ranked women’s team that hasn’t either.

Next year, BC coach Al Skinner must recruit some kid named Hall because there is no way Forward John Oates should be allowed to graduate without some kind of band reunion. Speaking of names, my nickname for Georgetown forward Jeff Greene is The Agent. Not too obscure a reference so only a single point for the correct answer.

Speaking of nicknames – I am ascribing Go-Go to my boy Ryan Gomes up in Boston. The original Go-Go, was of course Ricky Gomez, the 8th man on Carver High’s White Shadow team, but Gomes is on a tear and nickname fits. In case you haven’t been watching, and it’s a fair assumption none of you have, Gomes has had a terrific month for the suddenly virile Celts. He had a double- double last night and for the month, he’s averaging 17 points and just under 8 boards per game. At this point, Go-Go is definitely the round two rookie of the year, although he looks like a long-shot to make the league’s all-rookie team unless his numbers accelerate from here.

I guess the World Baseball Classic is no big thing because if it were - there is no way Gayrod would have come through with yesterday’s big game winning hit. Count me among the small group who actually likes the WBC. I don’t really buy the injury thesis, the games have some juice, and I like running counter to the America-centric lemmings like Georgie S. I want the WBC to succeed but here is my Catch-22. If someone gets hurt, the naysayers will go crazy and, as a result, the WBC concept will be weakened. But, if some pitcher blows out his arm, it could serve as the catalyst Boston needs to shed Matt Clement. Call it Clement-22.

Has the statute of limitations on speaking ill of Kirby Puckett expired yet? Pucks was a hit machine on and off the field and because of the latter, he deserves little post-mortem reverence. Cheating on your wife is one thing – going Jack Nicholson and pursuing her with a chainsaw is another. Kudos to ESPN’s Colin Cowherd for slamming KP on a day when every baseball pundit in this country was suffering from either cowardice or selective amnesia.

Breaking news - John Cheney is poised to announce his retirement this morning. Its about time this nutjob hung them up. Prediction - today's eulogies (he didn't die -just retiring) will surely stress that Cheney was a great guy who did a ton for his kids. Save it - the guy was an insufferable clown. I've been short Cheney for years and don't see a reason to cover this morning. I'll have more on this later.

How can a year go by without the Washington Redskins going out and over-paying for a free agent wide receiver? Message to Dan Snyder – just because Antwan Randel El threw a TD pass in the Super Bowl doesn’t mean you have to pay him like a quarterback. $11.5 million guaranteed for the Arab Hoosier (Same as Edgerrin James got)? Are you serious? That isn’t a far cry from what Mushin Muhammad got last year and he was coming off a first team All-Pro year. This is the second year in a row where Washington chased a wide receiver off a Super Bowl champ – last year it was David Patten who got the big coin and he thanked Six Flags Snyder by producing twenty-two grabs in an injury-shortened season.

Well, I guess when you haven’t had a thousand yard rusher since Adrian Murrell in 1998; you should probably grab an elite back when he becomes available. That is just what the Arizona Cardinals did this weekend when they inked The Edge to a four-year deal. With two big receivers and James, it seems like Denny Green is trying to re-assemble the Colts out in the Desert. All they need now is to dump Warner and find a QB who truly wilts in big spots. How bout Gayrod?

The guys behind the Sopranos have some set of balls to make us wait two years for that crap. In the history of television, has anyone been less credible doing the “I’ve been shot and need 911” scene? On the bright side, I did like Christopher’s joke on how ironic it was that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig’s disease. An oldie, but certainly a goodie.

Aug 17 - Millar and Kay Crap Out Once Again

The guy is slugging just .286 on the road and .267 against lefties – so why did Terry Francona start Kevin Millar last night against Nate Robertson at Comerica? I guess loyalty trumps sabremetrics in Tito’s version of Moneyball. So how did Millar reward Tito's loyalty last night? Well, he went hitless and made an error. Tito, loyalty is one thing but this is getting downright ridiculous.

Michael Kay had a classic Kayism last night at the end of the Yankee debacle down in Tampa. As Scott Proctor was walking in the winning run, Kay went out with this doozy: ”And that will bring in the winning run, giving Tampa a big win, FOR THEM . . . “ For them? How much more condescending can Kay get? Sure, it last night was a nice win for Lou’s losers, but beating the Yanks has been fairly routine for Tampa this year (eight up and only four down). Such talk has become the norm for Kay who never misses an opportunity to patronize the rest of the league. The next time Mike puts down Tampa, he should remember that he happens to host a talkshow on a station that is basically the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of sports radio in New York. In fact, I’ll take Tampa after the all-star break (16-8) over Michael’s putrid ratings at 1050 ESPN.

I listened to Mo Rivera’s post-game Q&A last night and it just confirmed that this is just about the most classy guy in baseball. I don’t make a habit of complimenting Yankees too often, but I’ll make a special exception for Mo. This is a humble and dignified guy who never makes excuses. NEVER! You hear that Randi – NEVER. He is a straight shooter who admits to his mistakes and rarely seeks the spotlight. Mo is the only Yankee who I truly wish played for the Sox, and that has nothing to do with the fact that the Sox bullpen has more holes in it than the Iraqi Constitution.

With Curt Schilling auditioning as a pitchman for Exxon’s new high-octane fuel, isn’t it about time the Sox consider taking a shot with one of the long lost Hansen brothers? Craig has been unhittable over a small sample at Portland, (another scoreless outing last night), and perhaps its time to take the first round pick out for a test drive. I realize the Sox don’t want to screw with his confidence and pitching in the AL EAST is a lot different than pitching in the Big East, but all reports indicate that this guy could help out this year. A friend of mine has scouted Hansen on several occasions and says he has a better slider then anyone who pitches for Boston at the big league level. If that is the case and Schilling continues to struggle, I think Hansen should get a chance. Who knows, he just may turn out to be the next Huston Street or Chad Cordero.

Aug 15 - Clemens and Gibson (Bob, not Debbie)

Here are some blasts to get things started:The White Sox should go out and get Ken Griffey, particularly if they feel Dustin Hermanson will be healthy when the playoffs come around. This club is close, particularly if Dusty is healthy, but they need a difference-maker like Griffey to make them legitimate contenders. One word of caution to White Sox fans – Jon Garland is not a big-time pitcher. He was brutal on Saturday night and if I am running that team, he is the fourth guy I go to in a playoff series.

Pedro pitched great yesterday but he looks like he is tiring. His velocity is way down and it looks like he could benefit fro a missed start. When you look at Pedro’s splits, it is pretty hard to believe that he is 12-5 with an ERA approaching three. His splits are more reflective of a resume that includes a record of 15-3 and an ERA under 2.50.

Congratulations to Phil Mickelson who won a battle of attrition out there at Baltrussol this weekend. I was out there on Friday and it was hotter than ass. Saturday was worse and Sunday was no better. Phil looked like he was going to collapse on Sunday, but he pulled it together just as the lug nuts were loosening and the wheels were poised to come off. I am not sure if he would have won had the tourney not been postponed but you have to give the guy credit for making that four on eighteen this morning. With two majors now on his resume, Phil is closing in on the day where he could retire without having to justify a unfulfilled career. However, a third major is still probably needed to ensure that Phil is not perceived as this generation's Johnny Miller.

I am already picking Phil to win the Open next June. The reason: for some reason. Phil is adored by New Yorkers and plays great in front of these fans. That will come in handy next June when the Open will be played at Winged Foot. Look at his recent record in the New York area. He got second at the 2002 Open at Bethpage, he was second at Shinecock last year and he won this week. Based on this record, it is clear that Phil plays better in this area than either the Knicks or the Giants.

While I have not been enamored with Roger Clemens since the 1990 ALCS, I think it is worth noting that he is having one of the more remarkable seasons in MLB history. The guy is 43 and sports on ERA of just 1.32 after blanking the Bucs through eight on Saturday. And just look at some of these splits. His batting average against is just .186, he is still fanning more than eight guys per nine innings and opponents are slugging less then .300 against him at the Juice Box in Houston. These are some of the sickest stats ever recorded in the National League and they rank right up there with the numbers Rocket amassed in Toronto and Pedro racked in Boston. I, for one, hope Rocket keeps it up because a complete year of this will hopefully knock Bob Gibson’s 1968 season off its over-hyped pedestal. When it comes to assessing great years in pitching, people are too quick to point out Gibson’s 1968 season as one of the best ever. The evidence appears compelling on its face as Gibson won 22 games that year while chalking up an ERA of 1.12. That is a miniscule number, but people tend to forget that 1968 was the year that offense went on strike. Nobody hit that year (Yaz led the AL with an average of .301) and as a result, the National League average ERA was a paltry 2.90. If you fast-forward thirty years, that league-AVERAGE would have challenged for the league’s ERA title. Everyone agrees that Gibson’s 1968 was fantastic, but lets get serious – it came during a deadball year and it came in a cavernous stadium. Clemens, on the other hand, is doing his thing during an offensive era and while playing half his games at a park whose dimensions resemble those of a ballpark in Williamsburg. Sorry Cardinal fans – your guy has to take a back seat on this one. Come to think of it, two of your guys have to take back seats on this because if the season ended today, I would take Clemens by a hair over Carpenter for league Cy Young.

Yankee propagandist Michael Kay had another tough afternoon on Sunday, as he spent a good ninety seconds on the subject of why free-agent-to-be Shawn Chacon stumbled into a great situation with the Yanks. According to Kay, and this really shouldn’t come as a surprise given the source, Chacon is now in an ideal situation with the Yanks because YINC is a phenomenal organization that lies at the nexus of the baseball world. In other words, playing for New York allows Chacon to pitch in front of all those scouts and front office types who never would have caught his act out in Denver. This thesis, if it were true, could be relevant to a free agent, but the problem here is Chacon is not eligible for free agency. He is still arbitration eligible meaning that if the Yankees tender him, he will be in Pinstripes next year. That sounds more like a prisoner of war then a free agent to this scribe. When Kay was informed that he had made a mistake, he murmured a half-hearted correction under his breathe. I guess this is just another instance of Michael being Michael.

Sox Box – You know you are hot when even the weather is cutting your way, as it did yesterday for the Red Sox. Boston pitcher Matt Clement was getting cracked in the 4th yesterday at Fenway and with the JV playing, it didn’t look like the Sox were going to be able to keep that impressive home winning streak alive. So what happens? Well, a massive storm moved in and clobbered the city for a period long enough for the Red Sox to secure a postponement. Sorry Boston haters – the game was scrubbed and when it resumes – if it ever resumes - it will be 0-0 in the top of the first and not 5-2 in the 4th. While Mother Nature succeeded in shutting the door on the White Sox, the same could not be said for Matt Clement. In many ways, this guy reminds me of Derrick Lowe. They are both fine when things are rolling along, but the second things go awry, each tends to crumble. Clement, in particular, seems particularly susceptible to the two-out rally and if he doesn’t cover home the next time he throws a 57 foot slider with a man on third, my television may need replacing. The Sox may have an interesting decision to make next week when John Olerud is due to come off the bench. The problem lies with the discovery that his replacement – Roberto Petagine – has a major league stick. Granted, Roberto can’t catch, but his bat has been impressive. If either Roberto or Olerud were right-handed, Kevin Millar would be busy packing, but since both are lefties, it will be impossible to keep both on the 25-man roster. My guess is Francona likes Olerud’s glove late in the game and therefore Petegine will head back down to Pawtucket until the rosters are expanded on September 1st. My boy Annibal Sanchez got clocked down in Portland on Friday, giving up four runs on four bombs over six innings. Somebody should tell him that it isn’t nice to mock Curt Schilling like that. While Sanchez finally got cracked, Jon Lester was solid in his last start out (Thursday) and Craig Hansen has pitched three scoreless since being called up to Portland. Word out of Portland is Craig tapes his glove hand up with tin foil just as his brothers did for the Chiefs in Slap Shot. I know Johnny Damon is having a great year at the plate, but lets get this straight: there may not be a centerfielder in baseball (outside the Bronx) who goes back on the ball worse than the Caveman. This guy needs to be tutored in geometry because he never charts the correct angle.

Aug 9 - Morgan the Moron HIts New Lows.

Here a few blasts before we get started:

This Day in History: 1627 years ago today, the Roman Empire got routed by the Visigoths at Andriople. The casualties were staggering as the Roman’s had two-thirds of their army surrounded, captured and slaughtered by the younger and hungrier Visigoths. The Romans, who went into the battle laying four, were never the same. History will repeat itself tonight, as Jose Contreras will turn back the Yankee Empire in the Bronx.

Isn't it ironic that on the same day crude hits almost $64 a barrel, President Bush signs an energy bill that will do absolutely nothing to reduce this country's dependance on foreign oil. Mesaage to Congress - those subsidized wind farms marginally reduce our dependance on coal and gas, not oil. Message to Bush - Detroit is already dead so why not start digging the grave and move forward with higher fuel efficiency standards?

Sticking with our C-in-C for a moment: You got to give this guy credit - he stands by his guys (Palmeiro) even when they are confirmed ass clowns who lie to their fans and perjure themselves in front of Congress. There is a message here for those of you who want Bush to dump Karl Rove. Unless Rove gets caught on tape smoking crack and carjacking a pregnant women, his job is safe. Other then Paul O'Neil and Christie Todd, has this guy ever fired anyone? I suspect that if Bushie were the GM of the Sox, Alan Embree would still be giving up two run bombs at Fenway. Then again, if Bush were GM of the Sox, Boston would be looking to halve its revenue sharing outflows and Wade Miller would have had his foot blown off in Najaf.

Let me make this clear – I have always thought Joe Morgan was a rookie-ball analyst who sported a sub-standard IQ, poor verbal skills and an inability to criticize anything other then the weather and the speed of racial progress. As such, I have long thought Morgan had no business taking a spot in any broadcasting booth, let alone the one rented to ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball. With that said, my taste for Morgan was further soured the other night when I saw his ridiculous performance on ESPN. In case you missed it, the offense occurred when Karl Ravetch quizzed Morgan on steroid use in baseball. Morgan took the opportunity to express plenty of outrage, much like he did the other day in an interview with the Philadelphia Enquirer. Specifically, Morgan took aim at major league baseball for letting this steroid problem simmer for a decade when everyone knew bad things were going down. Everyone? Where the hell was Joe during this decade of discontent? I'll tell you where he was - he was stroking his pud and worshipping at the alter. Thankfully, Ravetch didn’t budge and decided to press Morgan with pointed follow-ups the second baseman had no interest or ability to answer. Pointedly, he asked Morgan to say whether Rafael Palmeiro belonged in the Hall of Fame. In typical Morgan fashion, he clumsily danced around the question, refusing to take it to the hoop and sink the layup that would beat Palmeiro. Morgan’s recent performance just cements his position at the bottom of ESPN’s scrap heap. This is a guy who has refused to criticize any specific player for the past 15 years. More importantly, if Morgan felt this way, how come he didn’t make any references to steroid abuse during all those Bonds’ games he broadcast over the past five years? The simple reason Morgan stayed quiet is he has no stomach for critical analysis. Even in this latest outburst, Morgan has distanced himself from any player-specific references. Enough is enough. My fingers are crossed that Morgan will be torched by the national media on this. It couldn’t happen to a more deserving guy.

I have never been a fan of Jets coach herm Edwards, but his stock fell to a new low today after I read one of his quotes in today’s New York Post. When asked about holdout John Abraham, Edwards barked, “We don’t play until September,” meaning he feels there is plenty of time remaining before this becomes an issue. Sorry Herm – wrong answer. That is not the answer of a coach – it is the answer of a fan. And it is the kind of response that I would expect from a guy at a bar wearing a green and white jersey with the name Klecko on the back. What Herm should have said is something like the following; “my attention and focus is on the players who are in camp and not those who are still at home.” Herm seems like a guy who always thinks things will just work. Accordingly, who cares if his biggest playmaker is holding out a month before the real shooting begins. Sorry Herm, preparation wins battles and having stars miss training campis nothing to dismiss. I’ll bet dollars to donuts that Edwards won’t be singing the same song if Abraham misses another ten days, comes in oout of shape and doesn’t register a sack until October.

The big series in baseball this week begins out in Oakland tonight where the A’s and Angles begin a three game set. Many are viewing this series as an opportunity to see whether this Oakland team is for real. Well, with Rich Harden going tonight and Barry Zito going tomorrow against a rookie, the A’s have great shot at sweeping this series and taking control of the West. The Angles luckily will miss Danny Haren, but Harden and Zito is enough punishment for one week. While the vaunted A’s staff has gotten most of the credit for Oakland’s turnaround, it should be noted that the offense has contributed as well. This is not the anemic team that some suggest. Just look at the numbers – the A’s are fourth in the AL in runs scored and sixth on OBP. Most think Bobby Crosby’s return sparked this offense, but if you ask me, the contributions of Jay Payton, Dan Johnson and Nick Swisher have been more unexpected and thus more important. Johnson, in particular, has been a force, slugging .550 with ten bombs in less then 200 at bats. He had a big rep coming through the A’s system, but did anyone in the organization really expect him to come in and make this kind of contribution so quickly? Eric Chavez, meanwhile, has recovered from a putrid April and is now on pace for a 100 RBI year. There are plenty of people, particularly on the East Coast, that still don’t believe in this team. Come Thursday night - this camp may be a lot smaller.

SOX BOX – Mark Belhorn’s days in Boston were already numbered but last night Tony Graffanino put a nail into Belly’s coffin. Graff slugged a three-run home run and went 3-3 with some nice base running. I would have taken 1-4 with a run scored over Belhorn, so last night was gravy city. So as the Belhorn cruise winds its way toward its concluding port, it is time for the Sox to turn their attention to another ship listing at sea. Of course I am talking about the USS Wade Miller, which got touched up again last night. Miller simply can’t get through a first inning without taking loads off the chin and last night was no exception. His fastball lacks any giddy-up and therefore he seems hesitant (or unable) to throw it for strikes. So that leaves him armed with just that “one o’clock -to-seven o’clock” hook and there is no telling when he is going to throw that over the plate. If I were the Sox, I would toss this guy on the DL and go with one of the kids. However, I would keep him around until the end of the season and perhaps tender him this winter. The reason: perhaps Miller just needs another off-season to get back to his 2002-3 form and how much can he command in arbitration coming off this year? On the flip side, the Sox may have surplus starters next year so having Miller around at 3-4M may not be such a smart thing to do. Last point on the Sox: Roberto Petegene has proven over the past five days why he has had trouble parlaying those gaudy AAA/Japan into a regular MLB job. Point of fact – Roberto has stone hands and brick feet. Bobby may have hit like Hideki over in Japan but he fields like that guy Kaz out at Shea. This is a guy who moves like Farley and scoops like an eighth grade band geek. He will not be around once John Olerud’s hammy heals.

I saw this stat published last night where Texas has already slugged 189 home runs this year. That puts them on pace to jack more then 270 bombs this year, a number that will surpass the record of 264 held by the 1997 Seattle Mariners. That is a lot of juice from one team and it begs the question of why this team didn’t off load some of that power for arms at the trade deadline. Do you really need 1.6 Dongs/gm to survive? Mark Texiera leads the club and is on pace to hit 45 round-trippers, but the scary thing about the Rangers is their depth. At this point in the season, it looks as if seven players will clock twenty balls out of play. On the other end of the spectrum, the Nationals will have just two guys hit twenty home run and the Giants may have only one. Home runs may be down this year, but you couldn’t tell that from watching the Rangers.

Aug 8/Part 2 Gretzky: The Next Magic or Dan Gable?

The word is Wayne Gretzky has decided to take a job as head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes and while Mr. Janet Jones was obviously one of the greatest players to ever play the game, some question whether he will make it as a coach. After all, the relatively recent landscape is littered with guys who were great players in their respective sports but went on to have average or poor coaching careers. You want some failures? How bout these: Ted Willaims, Magic, Zeke, Pete Rose, and Bryan Trottier. Want some more? How about Ray Berry and Frank Robinson? On the positive side, Mike Ditka is a hall of famer who coached a Super Bowl champion, Bill Russell has titles as a player and coach, and both Lenny Wilkens and Larry Bird were competent on the sidelines. In baseball, Joe Torre won an MVP as a player, and Gil Hodges was a borderline hall of famer, but neither was a superstar. So that begs the question: who was the biggest double threat in coaching/playing history? Well, John Wooden is a good place to start. He was a two-time All-American at Purdue before he went on to build a dynasty at UCLA. But he played in the pre-Hoosier days so his basketball skills have to be discounted just a bit. What about Kim Mulkey, an All-American at La Tech who went on to coach Baylor to this year’s woman’s NCAA Basketball Championship? Not too shabby. These two, along with Torre and Ditka are nice candidates, but the guy I am nominating for the crown is Dan Gable, the legendary wrestling coach of the Iowa Hawks. Look at this resume: NCAA wrestling champ, 1972 Olympic Gold Medallist and coach of the 15-time NCAA champion Iowa Hawkeyes. Gable, pure and simple, is wrestling in this country. He was a legend on the mat and he built a college program that is amongst the strongest that any school has ever built in any sport. For that, he gets my double threat award. Gable may not be Gretzky's match as an athlete, but Wayne will have to blow past Scotty Bowman to match Dan as a coach. It ain't going to happen.

Congratulations go out this morning to Morgan Pressel who just wrapped up the best USGA year since the days of Bobby Jones. Check out this resume. The 17 year-old phenom won the U.S. Woman’s amateur yesterday and that comes on top of her second place finishes in the U.S. Woman’s Open and the U.S. Woman’s Jr. Amateur. That is the kind of year that even Jones would admire. Annika Sorenstam has had a remarkable year, but my vote for female golfer of the year goes to Pressel. By the way, am I a pervert because I watched twenty minutes of the tape-delayed U.S. Women’s Junior Amateur this weekend? For those of you who missed it, Tiger’s niece has game and so do Ivan Lendl’s two daughters.

So Ty Law is headed to the Meadowlands to play corner for the New York Jets. Wow, this is just what New York City needs - another pissed off black athlete who plays with a huge chip on his shoulder. Does this sound familiar? Well it should since it is basically a rehash of the Gary Sheffield Story starring John Amos as the Sheff. Don’t get me wrong – I am a fan of Law. Number twenty-four is a warrior who has always come up huge in big games and if you don’t believe me, you should go ahead and ask Kurt Warner and Peyton Manning. Law simply owns Manning and his pick and run basically turned around Super Bowl XXXVI. Moreover, Law is no pussy. He will play hurt and he will lay it all out on the field. Whether it is in coverage or in run support, Law is simply one of the most physical corners in football. As such, Jets fans can be assured they are getting a good player, so long as Law’s foot is healed. But before Jets fans start engraving those AFC East Championship trophies, you should be warned that Law comes with some baggage. First of all, he is much like Sheff in that he has a huge ego and always feels like he is being overlooked. He thrives on the sleight and tends to play worse as his recognition grows. Be warned Jets fans - you don’t want this guy getting too many compliments before a big game. Second of all, Law is a penalty machine and that will surely drive Herm Edwards crazy. Third, Law may not prove too useful against New England since the Pats know his faults and will adjust accordingly. The bet here is we will see Deion Branch stop Law short and beat him deep at least once this year. The morale to this story is Law will help this team, but doesn’t it say something that Belicheck was quick to swap out Law for Duane Starks? Sure, there were some financial considerations, but BB letting go of defenders is a bit like Mazzone getting rid of pitchers. I am not sure you want to be on the other side of that trade.

Lets stick with the Jets for a second and discuss this fight that broke out the other day at a practice the Jets were having with the Giants. The guys are Pro Football Talk, who are usually pretty honest, absolutely tore into the Jets following the fight, running a story that quotes a league source who most likely works for the football Giants. According to this guy, "The Jets act like they just won the Super Bowl. All they are is a bunch of fucking thugs. [There's] no discipline on that team at all. . . . And [Edwards] acts like he is some sort of preacher. He is a fucking phony." Man, those are fighting words, although it’s probably 50/50 they were either made up or came from a pissed off Giants fan who owns seasons tickets and calls himself a “league source.” I never considered the Jets or their fans to be extraordinary talkers – certainly not on par with the Steelers or Eagles. But I guess after going out and winning a playoff game in San Diego and playing the Steelers to a draw a week later, the Jets feel like they have a seat at this year’s adult table. Careful guys, it was just last December that the Pats went into the Meadowlands and pushed the Jets all over the field. By the way, I don’t think Edwards is a phony. I just think he is a danger to himself and his team on game day.

Aug 8/Part One - Brain Dead Caribbeans and Banged Up Yanks

Here are a few pop culture points to get things started:

Entourage was very solid last night after getting cracked the week before. Ari carried last night’s show, going 3-4 with a bomb and two doubles, while Turtle and Drama combined on a strong seven hit shutout. The only trouble spot was the storyline between Vincent and Mandy, which went 0-4 and remains mired in a bad slump. Unfortunately, it looks like the producers remain committed to this storyline and will continue to go with it through seasons’ end (kind of reminds me of the Red Sox and Kevin Millaaaaaaar). As the season winds down, keep an eye on this late season call-up who could be hooking up with Eric. She has plenty of potential.

I haven’t seen Must Love Dogs yet, but I am thinking about seeing it just to check out the Newfoundland that stars as Diane Lane’s borrowed pooch. God, a Newf and Lane in the same picture – that is heaven. The only thing that might beat that is a movie staring Jenny Connelly and a Bernese Mountain Dog (http://www.berner.org/). I have to think about this a while, but Lane and a Newf may be the greatest chick-dog combo in motion picture history. It certainly ranks ahead of Lane and that vermin chasing Jack Russell from My Dog Skip. Feel free to submit your favorites, but please – no references to Snow Dogs – that was just Cuba being Cuba with a bunch of Siberian Huskies. .

There is no doubt that ESPN played a big role in elevating this country’s interest in poker and my question now is whether the network is planning on doing the same thing for eating contests. In case you haven’t noticed, ESPN is now covering a bunch of this stuff after deciding that Americans really like watching people stuff their faces with hot dogs, chicken wings and cheesecake. Lest you think this is a joke, one recent eating contest airing had higher ratings then that Steven A. Smith travesty that ESPN now shows every night. I, for one, applaud the move since I would much rather watch Takeru Kobayashi (The Hot Dog King) eat pasta then watch Steven stroke Alan Iverson’s ego. By the way, there was a great critique of Smith’s show in Sunday’s New York Post (http://www.nypost.com/sports/26723.htm).

Thirty-one years ago today, Richard Milhouse Nixon decided to resign rather then face impeachment proceedings. Isn’t it time for history to repeat itself?

On to this morning’s masterpiece:

I think its time for Felipe Alou to tone it down a bit. In case you missed it, Felipe totally lost it this week when Larry Krueger, a Frisco sports talk show host, said that he was tired off seeing the Giants “brain dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly.” Krueger went on to say that Alou’s “mind has turned to Cream of Wheat.” Felipe responded with outrage, claiming Krueger’s remarks had offended “HUNDREDS of millions of people.” Further, Alou refused Kruger’s apology, arguing that there “is no way to apologize for such a sin.” Felipe, it is time for you to go to the bathroom and adjust your panties because its clear they are bunching up and making you a wee bit uncomfortable. I am not saying Krueger didn’t mess up here, but lets not go crazy and pretend he sodomized a whole community. The question I have for Felipe is whether he is angry that Krueger singled out the Hispanics on the Giants, including himself, or whether he is peeved that Krueger used the term “brain dead Caribbeans?” I hope it’s the former because I really don’t see what’s wrong with the latter.

On point one, all Krueger is guilty of is perhaps unfairly ascribing too much blame for the Giants dismal season to only Omar Vizquel, Edgardo Alfonzo, Moises Alou, Deivi Cruz and Pedro Feliz .As Krueger knows and should have mentioned, this team, which includes plenty of white and black guys, hasn’t pitched well and without Barry Bonds, the entire offense has struggled. As such, it doesn’t seem fair to single out guys like Feliz when guys like Michael Tucker and JT Snows haven’t exactly pulled their own weight. So Kruger is perhaps guilty of picking on the team’s Hispanics – is this a crime for which no apology is suitable? In my mind, Krueger is basically guilty of selective prosecution and according to sports radio sentencing guidelines; this crime is a fairly minor misdemeanor. Hell, I am sure this kind of stuff would happen all the time to black guys up in Boston if any actually played for the Red Sox.

So lets move on to point two. I suspect Alou is having a lot of trouble with Krueger’s use of the term “brain dead Caribbeans.” I am a bit puzzled by Alou’s outrage because I don’t see the line as being too offensive, except perhaps to Vizquel who is Venezuelan and therefore should probably not be lumped in with the Caribbeans. Granted, I am not from the Caribbean and I didn’t hear the comments directly, but based on a strict interpretation of the quote, Kruger wasn’t stereotyping all Caribbeans - he just was stating that those playing for the Giants are apparently brain dead. And looking at the stats – I am not sure Krueger is all that far off. The thin-skinned may disagree with me, but this was not John Rocker or even Al Campanis. Sure, Kruger’s word selection was probably a bit harsh, even in the “no-holds barred” world of talk radio, but Alou has blown this way out of proportion. To suggest that there is no way to apologize for such a “sin” is simply ludicrous. Lets save claims like that for violent crimes against children and not trivial claims like Pedro Feliz is a hack (which he is). The crux of this matter is Alou is pissed off that some guy got on the radio and took he and his team to task. But rather then direct all his fire at Krueger, perhaps Alou should look in the mirror and start holding his team more accountable for its shoddy play.

I am not taking credit for the following, but it is rich and deserves repeating. With regard to Rafael Palmeiro, I heard someone recently mention “between the steroids and the Viagra, Palmeiro must have the most confused cock in the world.” A little sophomoric but good stuff anyways.

Another great line that I am ripping off: “When Kevin Millar goes 0-4 with two lazy flys and two weak grounders, is that just Kevin being Kevin?”

Here is a quote from this column on July 27: “The Yanks are also reportedly trying to deal Carl Pavano for Joel Pniero and Randy Winn. Let me get this straight – the Ms are supposed to trade their crap for more expensive crap. What this purported deal says to me is the Yanks know Pavano’s injury is basically a season-ender.” Boy do those last words sound prescient today as Pavano remains on the shelf and is now headed to Alabama to have his shoulder examined by a leading orthopedist. Pavano did pitch in the low minors this week, but he got cracked and the next day, he developed a stiff wing. The bet here is Pavano will certainly not pitch in the majors before Labor Day and is no better then 50/50 to pitch down the stretch. My theory on Pavano is his game went to hell the moment Alyssa Milano dumped him. If I were the Yankees and had to pay this guy another $32 million dollars, I would get on the horn with my boy Doug Jones (key grip on the show) and have Jones set Pavano up with one of the other girls on Charmed. You get Pavs matched up with Holly Marie Combs or Rose McGowan. and he may just find his stuff again. And if the gals aren’t into Pavano, then the Yanks should just pay them off. Hell, that’s what they do with everyone on their roster and what’s another couple million if it means getting Pavano right.

Pavano is not the only pinstriper whose season is now in jeopardy. The word leaking out of Yankee Inc. is the little unit has now developed a sore back and may miss his next start. Sorry Yankee fans – there is no such thing as missing just one start with a balky back. That is like saying someone may miss just a single meal after having two root canals and a couple of gum graphs. It is a simple truth - once the back acts up, there is no telling how long a pitcher will be out. And if Randi can’t go on Friday, which sounds possible, the safe bet is he will be headed to the DL and at least a second missed start. But fear not Yankee fans; Jaret Wright is reportedly twirling in the high 80’s and may be ready to return by next April.

SOX BOX: Since the trade deadline expired last Sunday at 4:00, Manny Ramirez is 9-16 with three bombs and 11 RBI. The last guy to get this hot off a big pinch hit was The Natural - Roy Hobbs. The Red Sox should try to trade Manram every week if this is how he is going to respond. For those of you dying to know what is going on with Mark Belhorn since he sprained his thumb a few weeks ago, here is an update. The Wizard of Whiff is down at Pawtucket where he is hitting .115. (3-26) with four RBI and 9 strikeouts. It just goes to show that Belhorn can’t hit good pitching, bad pitching and everything in between. Meanwhile, Dustin Pedroia, the Sox second baseman of the present and future, has begun tearing it up down at AAA now that his wrist has healed. He hit a couple bombs this weekend and has his average back up near .300. But with Tony Graff playing steady above him, Pedroia may have to wait until next April to get his shot. Nonetheless, I think it is now clear that Bells – “the hero of game six” - will never play in Boston again. Thank God for small miracles. Elsewhere on the Boston farm, Kevin Youkalis is white hot, John Papelbon has thrown a couple scoreless outings out of the pen and Anibal Sanchez, the 21-year old phenom who almost went to Tampa last week, continues to flourish at AA Portland. He gave up two runs in 6.2 innings yesterday and took the loss v. the top prospect in the Mets organization, but he walked none while fanning nine. His ERA is 1.31 at AA where he has 41 K’s in just 33 innings. Elsewhere, first round pick Craig Hansen may make his AA debut for Portland this week. Some optimists this Hansen could make it to Boston this year, but I think the real interesting call for the Sox right now is what to do with Jon Lester, a hard throwing lefty who leads the Eastern League in EPA. The Sox clearly need a lefty in the big league pen and Lester is the top lefty in the organization. But he is a natural starter and with 125 innings in the bag, I doubt the Sox want to keep him active too much longer. I suspect the organization will soon cut Lester’s workload if they intend to give him the ball in September.

I know the fashionable thing to do right now is to pick the surging Assholes to win the NL Pennant, but check out what happened to this scantily clad emperor this weekend in San Francisco. The Holes had their big three going but came out of the windy city with just one victory in three chances. On Friday, Andy Pettite lost a duel to Jason Schmidt and on Saturday, Lee Harvey Oswalt came up short against Noah Lowry. On Sunday, the Rocket righted things as he went seven strong and the Holes got the Giants late, but the morale to this weekend’s story is the Holes offense scares no one. Sure, they have three front line starters, but come October, winners have to generate at least a marginal amount of offense. And at this point, it is no certainty that Houston is up to the task. Hell, Schmidt can still twirl the rawhide, but if the Holes can’t hit Lowry and Brian Cooper, what are they going to do against Carpenter, Morris and Mulder?

Is there any chance that Brian Giles will stay in San Diego once his contract expires after the season? Judging from how he has hit at home, the bet is Brian will fly off to greener pastures where his bombs can do some damage. Take a look at Brian’s numbers at home. He is hitting .240 at the Pet Store with just two measly Jacks. He hasn’t exactly demonstrated a lot more thunder on the road (8 HRs), but it sure beats what he has accomplished at home. While Giles is hardly a star, he will command plenty of attention this winter, as the free agent pickings are slim. Will he perhaps move to Atlanta and play with his brother? That would be an excellent fit for the Braves, although I am not sure they have the resources to swing such a deal. Another possibility is Toronto, which is in need of both left-handed bat and a right fielder. The Jays have some money to spend this winter and Giles could get a look up north. Another possibility for the Jays is Hideki Matsui, although "underbite’s" asking price – at least 12.5M for 4 years – may be a bit steep.

Speaking of the Padres, they seemed to have righted the ship with five wins on a six game trip to Pittsburgh and Washington. Jake Peavy won two starts on the trip, including yesterday’s shutout of the Nationals at RFK. The Padres have a tough 15 game stretch coming up against the NL East and Houston, but if they can somehow manage to hang around .500 until the 24th, they should be in pretty good shape. On second thought, this is a team whose rotation now includes both Chan Ho Park and Pedro Astacio. Having these two would have been a positive back in 1999, but in 2005 it is clearly a liability.

Its too bad world record holder Asafa Powell was hurt and couldn’t compete because no one else in the world could do anything yesterday against Justin Gaitlin in the 100 meters at the World Track & Field Championships in Helsinki. Gaitlin went out and bombed the field, recording a 9.88 while no one else ran under ten seconds. That is the kind of beating that Democrats now take in Texas and Oklahoma. Now, if Gaitlin wins two more events at this meet – as he is expected to do – he may have a shot of cracking the top-five of my sportsman of the year list. Currently, World Cup ski champion Bode Miller leads the competition, but Tiger is right there and would probably pull ahead with a win next week at the PGA. Gaitlin is in that second tier that currently includes Lance, the Rocket, and Aussie swimmer Grant Hackett. The big question for me is can Tiger be overtaken if he wins the PGA. My guess is it would take something absolutely heroic in the World Series, a second Heisman for Leinart or a third straight Super Bowl for Tom Brady to do the trick.

For those of you not familiar with Hackett – here is a thumbnail of his 2005 resume. At last week’s world swimming championships in Montreal, Hackett won the 400, 800 and 1500 meter freestyle, while setting a new world record in the 800. In the 1500, Hackett has now won the last four world championships to go along with his gold medals from both Sydney and Athens. In fact, he has not lost this event in eight years and there is a very good possibility that he will remain undefeated through Bejing. If he accomplishes that feat, it will amount to one of the greatest streaks in Olympic sports history, ranking right up there with Eddie Moses, Lance Armstrong and Alexander Karelin. Hackett is simply the greatest distance swimmer of all-time and even though American Larsen Jensen gave Hackett a scare in Athens, the Aussie remains one of the safest bets in swimming. In fact, he just may be the surest now that the world has begun creeping up on Michael Phelps.