Feb 19- The Worst of College Basketball's Worst

I had so much fun last week jotting down my thoughts on Mike Patrick that I thought I would take some time to compile a list of the worst college basketball analysts on the air today. In order to qualify, the person has to appear as either an in-studio analyst like Dig Digs or a courtside commentator. Also, the person has to be alive and currently working so Al McGuire is disqualified on a technicality. In order to make the list, the candidates should be 1)annoying, 2)enamored with a certain coach or program, 3)redundant, 4) affraid or reluctant to criticize anything, 5)verbally challenged, 6) at least partially blind, 7) redundant, 8) have a signature cat call, 9) devoid of any credentials, and 10) repulsive to look at.

Here are my top 5.

5) The Cinco man is none other then George Ravelling, the former head coach at Washington State, Iowa and USC. Gorgeous George used to call the Pac-10 game of the week and up unitl a week ago, I thought he was dead and therefore ineligible for this list. But a friend notified me last weekend that there was a recent Ravs sighting and he is alive and well calling games out West. To say George had problems with the English language is a bit of an understatement. Its a little like saying the Magic Hour was a bit forced. George simply had no idea what was happening in front of him and he compounded the problem by butchering the language as he attempted to explain what he thought he was seeing. George would probably rank a bit higher on this list if it weren't for the fact that he was a pretty good guy who made me laugh on many occasions. He didn't do much criticizing, but offering critical analysis is tough when you are blind, deaf and dumb. Case in point - you never saw Hellen Keller get on the Governor of Alabama for his politics on race.

4) Jay Bilas and Bill Raftery are tied at number four. They work together on Monday nights so I thought I would keep them together for the sake of this list. Bilas is being groomed for Vitale's slot and that should just about say it all. Bilas thrives on hyperbole and he just cannot bring himself to criticize anyone who he may run into at next year's coaching convention. And if it were up to me, there would be a new rule named after Bilas. The Bilas rule would prevent any alumni from commenting on their alma matter. To hear Jay speak about Duke and his old coach is about the most unpleasant thing I can imagine short of medevil torture. As for Raftery, he is the Robin Williams of basketball commentating. Like Williams, Rafs thinks it funny to impersonate a seven year old while throwing out nonsensical sentence fragments. Message to Bill - your act makes you sound like a moron. And what about Raftery's signature move which is his use of the word "Kisssssssssss." I overdosed on this Raftery cornerstone about 19 years ago, and if I ever ran into Billy, I would tell him to kisssssssssssssss my ass.

3) Batting in the three hole is the one and only Digger Phelps. Objectivity and Digger do not share the same bed. Aside from the Atlanta Brave television guys, I am not sure I have ever heard an analyst pull for their team more then Digger pulls for his Irish. Moreover, Digger is guilty of carrying his scars and grudges into the studio and figting battles that were lost 20-30 years ago. Also, is there a guy who is more delusional about his own past then Digger? To hear him tell it, Digger Phelps was John Wooden, Bobby Knight and Dean Smith all wrapped into one. Message to Digger - you went to ONE FINAL FOUR. In my book, that puts you on the same level as Clem Haskins, Billy Donovan, Jim O'Brian, and Jim Harrick.

2) The number two guy on my list is ESPN's man of the year: Mike Jarvis. On talent alone, Mr. J would probably would rank a bit lower on this list, but his credentials are so bad that he moves all the way up to number two. For those who aren't familiar with the other Michael J, he took over a pretty decent St. John's program and ran it into the ground. Under his reign, the Johnnies were a complete embarrassment and the funny thing is, Jarvis had to actually cheat to field this mockery of a team. This is a guy who paid Abe Keita $300 a month to play for St. John's. First of all, why are you paying a stiff like Abe Keita any money at all and second, if you are gonna pay him, at least pay him a living wage. But the worst thing about Jarvis is he absollutely refuses to take any responsiblity for his actions at St. Johns. As far as he's concerned, St John's was a model program under his watch. Based on the losses to the likes of Fairfield and the cash payments to stiffs, I would beg to differ. Once Jarvis enters the studio, he is not much better then he was on the sideline. Unfortunately, he still considers himself a part of the coaching fraternity and as such, he is reluctant to offer any criticism whatsoever. And to make matters worse, Jarvis has always considered himself a teacher and to prove it, he speaks to the audience as if he were teaching a third grade class. How in the $#*%&*@ world did this guy get a job in Bristol? I guess Dave Bliss wasn't available.

1) There shouldn't be any suspense over who tops this list. Can it be anyone other then Dickie V, aka the Godfather of Crap? Richard has dominated this category over the past two decades like the Republicans have dominated politics in Wyoming. No matter who he is up against, Vitale comes out on top. You want loud, annoying and redundant - look no further because Vitale is your man. And what about his trademarks? "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, THAT KID IS A DIAPER DANDY AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS, COACH K IS A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING WHO WAS TAUGHT WELL BY ONE ROBERT MONTGOMERY KNIGHT WHO WON IT ALL BABY IN 1987 WITH THE HOOOOOOOOOOSIERES. I CANT BELEIVE THEY PAY ME TO DO THIS, OOOOOHH OOHHHHHHH!!!!!!" I just threw up in my mouth. Vitales trademarks alone put him on the top of the list but what truly distinguishes him is his objectivity and allegiance to one conference and one coach. If you thought Raftery was hooked on the Big East, you ain't seen nothing yet. Dick Vitale has his nose so far up the ACC and Mike K's ass, that he could probably do a visual colonoscopy. Other then the love affair between Mike Francesa and Bill Parcells, I am not sure I have ever seen anyone shred the veil of objectiivty like Vitale. Dickie V really deserves his own column, but that is all I got for today.