Aug 8/Part One - Brain Dead Caribbeans and Banged Up Yanks

Here are a few pop culture points to get things started:

Entourage was very solid last night after getting cracked the week before. Ari carried last night’s show, going 3-4 with a bomb and two doubles, while Turtle and Drama combined on a strong seven hit shutout. The only trouble spot was the storyline between Vincent and Mandy, which went 0-4 and remains mired in a bad slump. Unfortunately, it looks like the producers remain committed to this storyline and will continue to go with it through seasons’ end (kind of reminds me of the Red Sox and Kevin Millaaaaaaar). As the season winds down, keep an eye on this late season call-up who could be hooking up with Eric. She has plenty of potential.

I haven’t seen Must Love Dogs yet, but I am thinking about seeing it just to check out the Newfoundland that stars as Diane Lane’s borrowed pooch. God, a Newf and Lane in the same picture – that is heaven. The only thing that might beat that is a movie staring Jenny Connelly and a Bernese Mountain Dog (http://www.berner.org/). I have to think about this a while, but Lane and a Newf may be the greatest chick-dog combo in motion picture history. It certainly ranks ahead of Lane and that vermin chasing Jack Russell from My Dog Skip. Feel free to submit your favorites, but please – no references to Snow Dogs – that was just Cuba being Cuba with a bunch of Siberian Huskies. .

There is no doubt that ESPN played a big role in elevating this country’s interest in poker and my question now is whether the network is planning on doing the same thing for eating contests. In case you haven’t noticed, ESPN is now covering a bunch of this stuff after deciding that Americans really like watching people stuff their faces with hot dogs, chicken wings and cheesecake. Lest you think this is a joke, one recent eating contest airing had higher ratings then that Steven A. Smith travesty that ESPN now shows every night. I, for one, applaud the move since I would much rather watch Takeru Kobayashi (The Hot Dog King) eat pasta then watch Steven stroke Alan Iverson’s ego. By the way, there was a great critique of Smith’s show in Sunday’s New York Post (http://www.nypost.com/sports/26723.htm).

Thirty-one years ago today, Richard Milhouse Nixon decided to resign rather then face impeachment proceedings. Isn’t it time for history to repeat itself?

On to this morning’s masterpiece:

I think its time for Felipe Alou to tone it down a bit. In case you missed it, Felipe totally lost it this week when Larry Krueger, a Frisco sports talk show host, said that he was tired off seeing the Giants “brain dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly.” Krueger went on to say that Alou’s “mind has turned to Cream of Wheat.” Felipe responded with outrage, claiming Krueger’s remarks had offended “HUNDREDS of millions of people.” Further, Alou refused Kruger’s apology, arguing that there “is no way to apologize for such a sin.” Felipe, it is time for you to go to the bathroom and adjust your panties because its clear they are bunching up and making you a wee bit uncomfortable. I am not saying Krueger didn’t mess up here, but lets not go crazy and pretend he sodomized a whole community. The question I have for Felipe is whether he is angry that Krueger singled out the Hispanics on the Giants, including himself, or whether he is peeved that Krueger used the term “brain dead Caribbeans?” I hope it’s the former because I really don’t see what’s wrong with the latter.

On point one, all Krueger is guilty of is perhaps unfairly ascribing too much blame for the Giants dismal season to only Omar Vizquel, Edgardo Alfonzo, Moises Alou, Deivi Cruz and Pedro Feliz .As Krueger knows and should have mentioned, this team, which includes plenty of white and black guys, hasn’t pitched well and without Barry Bonds, the entire offense has struggled. As such, it doesn’t seem fair to single out guys like Feliz when guys like Michael Tucker and JT Snows haven’t exactly pulled their own weight. So Kruger is perhaps guilty of picking on the team’s Hispanics – is this a crime for which no apology is suitable? In my mind, Krueger is basically guilty of selective prosecution and according to sports radio sentencing guidelines; this crime is a fairly minor misdemeanor. Hell, I am sure this kind of stuff would happen all the time to black guys up in Boston if any actually played for the Red Sox.

So lets move on to point two. I suspect Alou is having a lot of trouble with Krueger’s use of the term “brain dead Caribbeans.” I am a bit puzzled by Alou’s outrage because I don’t see the line as being too offensive, except perhaps to Vizquel who is Venezuelan and therefore should probably not be lumped in with the Caribbeans. Granted, I am not from the Caribbean and I didn’t hear the comments directly, but based on a strict interpretation of the quote, Kruger wasn’t stereotyping all Caribbeans - he just was stating that those playing for the Giants are apparently brain dead. And looking at the stats – I am not sure Krueger is all that far off. The thin-skinned may disagree with me, but this was not John Rocker or even Al Campanis. Sure, Kruger’s word selection was probably a bit harsh, even in the “no-holds barred” world of talk radio, but Alou has blown this way out of proportion. To suggest that there is no way to apologize for such a “sin” is simply ludicrous. Lets save claims like that for violent crimes against children and not trivial claims like Pedro Feliz is a hack (which he is). The crux of this matter is Alou is pissed off that some guy got on the radio and took he and his team to task. But rather then direct all his fire at Krueger, perhaps Alou should look in the mirror and start holding his team more accountable for its shoddy play.

I am not taking credit for the following, but it is rich and deserves repeating. With regard to Rafael Palmeiro, I heard someone recently mention “between the steroids and the Viagra, Palmeiro must have the most confused cock in the world.” A little sophomoric but good stuff anyways.

Another great line that I am ripping off: “When Kevin Millar goes 0-4 with two lazy flys and two weak grounders, is that just Kevin being Kevin?”

Here is a quote from this column on July 27: “The Yanks are also reportedly trying to deal Carl Pavano for Joel Pniero and Randy Winn. Let me get this straight – the Ms are supposed to trade their crap for more expensive crap. What this purported deal says to me is the Yanks know Pavano’s injury is basically a season-ender.” Boy do those last words sound prescient today as Pavano remains on the shelf and is now headed to Alabama to have his shoulder examined by a leading orthopedist. Pavano did pitch in the low minors this week, but he got cracked and the next day, he developed a stiff wing. The bet here is Pavano will certainly not pitch in the majors before Labor Day and is no better then 50/50 to pitch down the stretch. My theory on Pavano is his game went to hell the moment Alyssa Milano dumped him. If I were the Yankees and had to pay this guy another $32 million dollars, I would get on the horn with my boy Doug Jones (key grip on the show) and have Jones set Pavano up with one of the other girls on Charmed. You get Pavs matched up with Holly Marie Combs or Rose McGowan. and he may just find his stuff again. And if the gals aren’t into Pavano, then the Yanks should just pay them off. Hell, that’s what they do with everyone on their roster and what’s another couple million if it means getting Pavano right.

Pavano is not the only pinstriper whose season is now in jeopardy. The word leaking out of Yankee Inc. is the little unit has now developed a sore back and may miss his next start. Sorry Yankee fans – there is no such thing as missing just one start with a balky back. That is like saying someone may miss just a single meal after having two root canals and a couple of gum graphs. It is a simple truth - once the back acts up, there is no telling how long a pitcher will be out. And if Randi can’t go on Friday, which sounds possible, the safe bet is he will be headed to the DL and at least a second missed start. But fear not Yankee fans; Jaret Wright is reportedly twirling in the high 80’s and may be ready to return by next April.

SOX BOX: Since the trade deadline expired last Sunday at 4:00, Manny Ramirez is 9-16 with three bombs and 11 RBI. The last guy to get this hot off a big pinch hit was The Natural - Roy Hobbs. The Red Sox should try to trade Manram every week if this is how he is going to respond. For those of you dying to know what is going on with Mark Belhorn since he sprained his thumb a few weeks ago, here is an update. The Wizard of Whiff is down at Pawtucket where he is hitting .115. (3-26) with four RBI and 9 strikeouts. It just goes to show that Belhorn can’t hit good pitching, bad pitching and everything in between. Meanwhile, Dustin Pedroia, the Sox second baseman of the present and future, has begun tearing it up down at AAA now that his wrist has healed. He hit a couple bombs this weekend and has his average back up near .300. But with Tony Graff playing steady above him, Pedroia may have to wait until next April to get his shot. Nonetheless, I think it is now clear that Bells – “the hero of game six” - will never play in Boston again. Thank God for small miracles. Elsewhere on the Boston farm, Kevin Youkalis is white hot, John Papelbon has thrown a couple scoreless outings out of the pen and Anibal Sanchez, the 21-year old phenom who almost went to Tampa last week, continues to flourish at AA Portland. He gave up two runs in 6.2 innings yesterday and took the loss v. the top prospect in the Mets organization, but he walked none while fanning nine. His ERA is 1.31 at AA where he has 41 K’s in just 33 innings. Elsewhere, first round pick Craig Hansen may make his AA debut for Portland this week. Some optimists this Hansen could make it to Boston this year, but I think the real interesting call for the Sox right now is what to do with Jon Lester, a hard throwing lefty who leads the Eastern League in EPA. The Sox clearly need a lefty in the big league pen and Lester is the top lefty in the organization. But he is a natural starter and with 125 innings in the bag, I doubt the Sox want to keep him active too much longer. I suspect the organization will soon cut Lester’s workload if they intend to give him the ball in September.

I know the fashionable thing to do right now is to pick the surging Assholes to win the NL Pennant, but check out what happened to this scantily clad emperor this weekend in San Francisco. The Holes had their big three going but came out of the windy city with just one victory in three chances. On Friday, Andy Pettite lost a duel to Jason Schmidt and on Saturday, Lee Harvey Oswalt came up short against Noah Lowry. On Sunday, the Rocket righted things as he went seven strong and the Holes got the Giants late, but the morale to this weekend’s story is the Holes offense scares no one. Sure, they have three front line starters, but come October, winners have to generate at least a marginal amount of offense. And at this point, it is no certainty that Houston is up to the task. Hell, Schmidt can still twirl the rawhide, but if the Holes can’t hit Lowry and Brian Cooper, what are they going to do against Carpenter, Morris and Mulder?

Is there any chance that Brian Giles will stay in San Diego once his contract expires after the season? Judging from how he has hit at home, the bet is Brian will fly off to greener pastures where his bombs can do some damage. Take a look at Brian’s numbers at home. He is hitting .240 at the Pet Store with just two measly Jacks. He hasn’t exactly demonstrated a lot more thunder on the road (8 HRs), but it sure beats what he has accomplished at home. While Giles is hardly a star, he will command plenty of attention this winter, as the free agent pickings are slim. Will he perhaps move to Atlanta and play with his brother? That would be an excellent fit for the Braves, although I am not sure they have the resources to swing such a deal. Another possibility is Toronto, which is in need of both left-handed bat and a right fielder. The Jays have some money to spend this winter and Giles could get a look up north. Another possibility for the Jays is Hideki Matsui, although "underbite’s" asking price – at least 12.5M for 4 years – may be a bit steep.

Speaking of the Padres, they seemed to have righted the ship with five wins on a six game trip to Pittsburgh and Washington. Jake Peavy won two starts on the trip, including yesterday’s shutout of the Nationals at RFK. The Padres have a tough 15 game stretch coming up against the NL East and Houston, but if they can somehow manage to hang around .500 until the 24th, they should be in pretty good shape. On second thought, this is a team whose rotation now includes both Chan Ho Park and Pedro Astacio. Having these two would have been a positive back in 1999, but in 2005 it is clearly a liability.

Its too bad world record holder Asafa Powell was hurt and couldn’t compete because no one else in the world could do anything yesterday against Justin Gaitlin in the 100 meters at the World Track & Field Championships in Helsinki. Gaitlin went out and bombed the field, recording a 9.88 while no one else ran under ten seconds. That is the kind of beating that Democrats now take in Texas and Oklahoma. Now, if Gaitlin wins two more events at this meet – as he is expected to do – he may have a shot of cracking the top-five of my sportsman of the year list. Currently, World Cup ski champion Bode Miller leads the competition, but Tiger is right there and would probably pull ahead with a win next week at the PGA. Gaitlin is in that second tier that currently includes Lance, the Rocket, and Aussie swimmer Grant Hackett. The big question for me is can Tiger be overtaken if he wins the PGA. My guess is it would take something absolutely heroic in the World Series, a second Heisman for Leinart or a third straight Super Bowl for Tom Brady to do the trick.

For those of you not familiar with Hackett – here is a thumbnail of his 2005 resume. At last week’s world swimming championships in Montreal, Hackett won the 400, 800 and 1500 meter freestyle, while setting a new world record in the 800. In the 1500, Hackett has now won the last four world championships to go along with his gold medals from both Sydney and Athens. In fact, he has not lost this event in eight years and there is a very good possibility that he will remain undefeated through Bejing. If he accomplishes that feat, it will amount to one of the greatest streaks in Olympic sports history, ranking right up there with Eddie Moses, Lance Armstrong and Alexander Karelin. Hackett is simply the greatest distance swimmer of all-time and even though American Larsen Jensen gave Hackett a scare in Athens, the Aussie remains one of the safest bets in swimming. In fact, he just may be the surest now that the world has begun creeping up on Michael Phelps.