March 21 - Sheff Being Sheff?

With Terrell Owens temporarily satisfied down in Dallas, the current title of “most insufferable and selfish clown” in sports probably goes to a surly slugger named Gary Sheffield. This guy just won’t shut up. Just two weeks ago, Sheff unleashed a patented tirade when it became apparent that the Yanks had no interest in picking up his bloated 2007 option prior to the beginning of the season. It seems the Yanks would like to see just a little bit more from Gump before they pay him thirteen million dollars to play a season from now. Sheff was eventually mollified by some kind and constructive words from his third grade teacher – Brian Cashman - but the afterglow wore off this weekend when Gump complained that he never felt comfortable in New York because he is constantly being asked to prove himself. Poor Gary. First he self-negotiates a contract that is worth ten percent less then he was led to believe and then he is told that he actually may have to put in three solid years in order to get paid for a fourth. This guy just can’t catch a break.

Somebody with some sense and body armor has to pull this guy over and explain to him that $13 million dollar options don’t get routinely rubber-stamped for old guys whose numbers have declined the past two years. And in this case, the numbers don’t lie. In 2003, Sheff, having been roofed by Barry during the off-season before, had a monster year – hitting .330, with 39 bombs and an OPS (on base percentage plus slugging) over .1000. In 2004, the average came in 40 points, while his OPS sank by a dollar. Yankee apologists explained the correction by arguing all summer that Sheff was bothered by a shoulder problem, but that shoulder problem was supposedly fixed after the 2004 season and yet Sheff’s numbers came in once again during 2005. Sure, he still jacked 34 bombs in over 580 at bats, but he scored fewer runs, had fewer extras and his OPS fell under .900. The last time Sheff’s OPS was this low, he was playing in the spacious confines of Florida and Monica L was trying out presidential cigars. So that brings us to 2006. The bet here is Gary knows he is slowing and he is watching 2003 fade fast in the rearview window. The drugs that comforted his quads and shoulder are now outlawed and his lightening-quick hands are not quite as quick as they once were. On top of that, Gump now knows his option is in play and he is starting to perhaps press just a bit. After all, Sheff is just 2-24 this spring and it seems plausible that this insecure clown is just a bit concerned that he isn’t going to make it to the finish line where $13 million awaits. Instead, he may be re-routed to a separate line where the banner reads: WELCOME GUMP - how does 2/19M (4 deferred) with a team option for 2009 sound? Some Yankee locals completely dismiss such talk by plagiarizing Boston-speak and stressing Sheff is just being Sheff. When it comes time to play ball, this camp argues Sheff will hit. He always has and he always will, so the story goes. Well, I for one don’t think the story reads so well with the addendum on steroids and the new chapter on life after 37. I am still a couple of chapters from the end, but the story I am reading doesn’t feel like it’s going to have a warm and cuddly ending.

Some quick hits:

It must be that time of year – once again, the media can’t help itself from claiming that the upsets in this year’s NCAA tourney are somehow historically anomalous. Sorry guys – you are wrong. It’s all in the numbers. This year, we lost only six seeded teams in the opening two rounds, none of which were top seeds. As such, this was actually a fairly lite year as far as upsets go. If you don’t believe me, check your facts. Over the past twenty or so tourneys, we generally lose between six and eight seeds during the opening weekend. It was seven in 03 and 04, while it was eight last year. If you want carnage, go back to 2000 when nine seeds went down before the regionals. The same held true in 1990 and 1986. So lets save all the talk of how the tourney has changed so much over the years. Upsets have always been a part of this party. Sure, some new trends have seemingly increased parity in the game, but the tourney is still its same old self. .

Kudos to the Japanese for winning the WBC! It was probably the biggest win for Japanese baseball since those 13 year-olds beat the Bears in a sandlot at the end of BNB III. All you naysayers were wrong – this tourney had plenty of juice and it is probably here to stay. I actually am a bit disappointed the Cubans didn’t win. Such a win would have triggered an earthquake in South Florida and nothing pleases me more then seeing those jerkoffs foam at the mouth. But I am wondering – with the score 10-6 in the ninth, how come the Cubans didn’t let the Beard pinch hit. Talk about a big moment that people would be discussing around the water cooler this morning. “You see Castro lean out and slap that two-strike change to left? I gotta hand it to that old son-of-a-bitch, he is one tough out!”

Can BH Kim get anyone out in the ninth inning? Anyone at all? First it was the Yankees in 2001. Then it was the rest of major league baseball and now the Japanese. Who’s next? The North Koreans in a friendly game in the DMZ? I can hear it now: “here’s the pitch from Kim. Roh drills a long fly ball to left, back, back, its in the mine field, Home Run North Korea and with that the North Koreans have won the right to join the world’s nuclear club.” With his stellar track record, I wouldn’t let Kim close out the Pizza Hut celebrity slow pitch game, let alone a hardball game that meant something.

What is the NCAA doing hosting a Women’s Basketball Regional in Bridgeport Connecticut? Was the armory in Fall River taken next weekend? How bout the VFW Hall in Scranton? Am I missing something here? Perhaps there is a big lesbian community in Bridgeport that I don’t know about? If not, how did BP steal this show away from beautiful Hartford?

We have had a great little run in 24 the past few weeks. Lot of deaths at CTU, including two of my personal favorites, Tony Almeida and Edgar Stiles, but the show has pressed on like an aging champion not quite ready to hang them up. Listen, this show jumped the shark at least a season ago, but I am still there every Monday night. I do like the fact that Desmond from Lost made an appearance last night. So that’s where he ran off to – the German intelligence service. He has got to be furious at the move Jack pulled. Can you even program a memory chip to self-destruct? Is that a new Toshiba offering? Come to think of it, I have so much to say on this episode of 24 that I may bring back my Nina Meyers blog.

Staying on TV for a minute – check out the new MTV show 8th and Ocean (Tuesday’s at 10:30). If you like Laguna Beach, you’ll love Ocho and Playa. The recipe – how models struggle with their beauty in a shared apartment down in South Beach. With those ingredients, it’s a slam-dunk. Last week, we had one of the girls attend a meeting hosted by an organization called, Models for God. I think tonight we get the episode where one gal is told that her acne may get in the way of a successful career in front of the camera. This could go directly into the MTV Hall of Fame. Kudos to creator Liz Gateley for coming up with another blockbuster that satisfies my thirst to re-live my early twenties.

Worst thing about the NCAA Tourney: No Survivor for three weeks. We’re at the merge folks – its time to start paying attention. My early money is on Sally, although Terry will be tough to take out. For my long shot, I’ll go with Shane. He’s a good athelete who seems to be in deep trouble but I can see him flipping the game. And he’s a certifiable psycho and its about time one of those gets into the winners circle.

I like this preview for the new Fox show – Unanimous. People stuck down in a bunker and they can’t get out until they all agree to give one person a bounty of loot. This has potential.

How can the Miami Dolphins be in on every major free agent on the market? The last time I checked, the Dolphins had minimal cap room to play with, yet everywhere I look, the fish are pursuing high-end free agents. Julian Peterson, Kerry Collins, Levar Arrington, Ty Law – the beat goes on. How is this possible, particularly after the Fish have already spent a considerable amount of money this off-season? Is it possible that the Fish have become the AFC version of the Washington Redskins? Perhaps the Dolphins, buoyed by their strong finish, think their future is now and its time to go for it. Well, if that is the case, why did the Dolphins trade for a QB who may not be ready in 2006? I guess this is what happens when you hire a GM whose resume is highlighted by a stint with the Saints and a stint in Bristol where he was often asked to share his thoughts on fantasy football. I wonder if Saban ever calls up his friend in New England and asks: “how do I get one of those Scott Pioli’s?”

It went un-reported, but Bode Miller actually won the final Super-G of the World Cup season last Friday. This isn’t exactly timely, but this scribe thinks Bode was unfairly buried at the Olympics by a media corps that has no idea what the sport of skiing is all about. Is Bode a clown? YES! Does he sometimes say idiotic things? ABSOLUTELY! Is he a disgrace and a choke artist? No way! First of all, Miller has been skiing on a bad knee all year. Secondly, this is a guy who won the biggest title in ALL of skiing in 2005 – the FIS World Cup Combined. That is the top of the sport. PERIOD. The Olympics is big, but this guy had already won the Super Bowl. Ask any skier what they would prefer and 98 out of 100 will say the WC Combined over an Olympic gold. Sure, Miller had a disappointing Olympics, but that doesn’t mask the fact that he has enjoyed incredible success in his sport. Sorry to disappoint, but this guy is the most accomplished skier in U.S. History, and that was before this ski season kicked off last November in Lake Louise. Like Soccer, Tennis and Road Cycling, the biggest win in Skiing does not come at the Olympics but the press corps lost track of that fact when it conflicted with their anti-Miller headlines. It is too bad because as Miller showed last Friday, he is still at the top of his sport, even on one bad knee.

Whatever happened to Donyell Marshall? I was checking out some stats the other day and stumbled upon these: In 26 MPG, Donyell is averaging just nine points a game on THIRTY-EIGHT percent shooting. When did Donyell get his advanced degree in masonry? 38%? If he finishes cold, Marshall could end the season with a lower number then the President. And if that number doesn’t shock you, try this one on for size. This month, Donyell is averaging under five a game while playing 20 mpg’s. Could this guy still start for his alma matter? Is it possible that fellow Husky Cliff Robinson might outlast Marshall in the NBA?

Anyone notice that Darko has a pulse down in Orlando. I wouldn’t go crazy just yet, but DM has blocked 16 shots in his last four games for the Magic. This just may turn out to be a good deal for the magic.

The Holic is praying that Frank Robinson does something dramatic to punish Alfonso Soriano - the latest in a series of ass-clowns exported from Texas to Washington D.C. Soriano, this week, lived up to his selfish word when he refused to take up position in left field. It seems the kid who embarrasses himself everyday at second is just a bit concerned that his play in left will end up looking like a SNL skit gone awry. I haven’t seen balls this big since I caught a Peter North film last month. Anyways, regardless of what he might say about embarrassing himself, Soriano won’t budge because he doesn’t want to hit free agency next year as an outfielder where his over-hyped offensive skills might be less appreciated and less rewarded. In other words, he thinks his payday will come as a two-bagger and hell if he is going to move for anyone. That’s the spirit Alfie. Way to highlight your arrogance and stellar character on the eve of free agency. Who in the Capitol is advising this guy – somebody from the Vice President’s Office?

In light of Soriano’s intransigence, Robinson is considering “disqualifying” him, meaning he won’t get paid and he won’t accrue MLB service time. Such a designation would keep Soriano from becoming a free agent next year and perhaps make him the early favorite to win the 2008 Comeback Player of the Year Award. Now a DQ is unlikely to come to fruition, but with the stubborn Robinson, anything is possible, and I, for one, am rooting for the Robby-Style DQ. As for Soriano, I am not so sure he will get his payday as either an outfielder or second baseman, AS is a guy who was completely exposed in the 2003 ALCS and hasn’t been the same since. Check it out – in 2004, his OPS was just .735 away from the driving range in Arlington. Last year, his road OPS was a Belhorn-esque .640. This is a guy who slugged nearly 300 points higher at his comfy home then on the road. Guys, he is a creature of home cooking. You put him in a normal park, let alone a cavern like RFK, and he hits .260 and slugs .450. Not bad, but nothing close to the numbers he produced before pitchers found out he will chase anything in the park – except lazy fly balls hit to him out in left field.

Here were my initial thoughts on the trade yesterday that brought the Sox Wily Mo Pena for Bronson Arroyo: “This Arroyo trade is Asinine! Hey BA ain’t much, but he’ll give you innings and a load of quality starts. Last year, I thought I was being generous when I called Willie Mo the ‘worst prospect in baseball.’ Here is the money stat – Pena’s OPS outside of Cincy last year was .707. For some reason, it was also very low at night, which could be a problem in this era where most games tend to start after the sun goes down. So basically the Sox traded a guy who will give you 200 innings and 20 quality starts for a guy who struck out 116 times in 331 plate appearances, can’t hit on the road or after 7:30 P.M. You talk about a specialty player, Pena was brought in to face lefties on Patriots Day and Sunday’s – provided Boston isn’t playing in the ESPN night game.” Well, eighteen hours later, I have tempered my disgust as it now occurs to me that this guy does hit lefties and with Beddard, Kazmir, Lilly, Johnson, Chacin, and Ryan in the East, a lefty killer is not such a bad thing. Moreover, the guy supposedly had a nice winter and its possible that with some more seasoning, Wily Mo could become a player and cheap insurance in the event that Trot Nixon breaks down again or splits after the season. Nonetheless, I still believe the Sox erred by trading Arroyo when they did. This guy is a valuable chip that will become more valuable the moment another contender losses a starting pitcher. Had the Sox waited a few weeks, I believe Arroyo could have fetched more. And with it now looking like Mike Lowell will be a debacle at third, it strikes me that the Sox will need a right-handed third or first baseman in the not so distant future. As such, I would have held on to Arroyo until Lowell had been diagnosed and the market for pitching heated up.

It dawned on me yesterday that the New York Knicks this summer will probably have to write out a giant check to make this Larry Brown-Starbury problem go away. It has gotten to the point where one recalcitrant must go and the only way out, as I see it, is through a buyout. So what’s the damage? Well, in Starbury’s case, the Knicks are on the hook for $60 million with little chance for negotiation. In Brown’s case, they owe $40 million, but I am sure that is negotiable since even Brown would have trouble accepting such a large payout for just one year of work. Some might argue there is a third option – trading Starbury – but I don’t see that as remotely credible. The reason: there is not a team in the league that has enough bad contracts on hand to exchange with the Knicks. The problem here is Marbury’s contract is just horrific, even by NBA standards. Believe me – I checked. Kenyon Martin – not even close. Rahim – sorry guys, he no longer makes big money. Brian Grant – in the same ballpark, but his contract is expiring so the Lakers aren’t going to waste that asset on Stephon. I guess the Knicks could do something with Golden State for Baron Davis and Adonal Foyle, or with Philly for Allen Iverson, but why would either want the now disgraced Starbury? And beyond these deals, there really aren’t a whole lot of other options. Now, I am sure Larry Brown would be receptive to a Iverson deal, but could Philly GM Billy King keep his job if he made that trade? I think he would love to dump Iverson, but getting Marbury in return does little to improve his stock. Simply put, it is a shit show at the Garden and the only way out, as I see it, is via a certified check to one of the two stooges.