In anticipation for this year's Game of the Century, I thought I'd take a few minutes to jot down my thoughts on a rivalry that goes beyond football. . . . . .
The most recent national championships won by both schools are a bit tarnished. Ohio State’s title, won in 2002, came at the hands of Miami, which lost stud back Willis McGhahee in the first quarter and still would have won the game had it not been for one of history’s worst pass interference calls. As for Michigan, their last championship was split with Nebraska after a season where I think UM played ten home games and then barely nipped Washington State in the Rose Bowl. True, Nebraska got some miracle tip that year, but the Huskers drilled Peyton in the Sugar Bowl. What's a more impressive win? Beating Peyton or beating Ryan Leaf?
The best receivers at each school both had the last name of Carter. I give the edge to Michigan’s AC since Chris did his best work on Sundays.
Nobody from Michigan can match Archie Griffen’s two Heisman’s or Santonio Holmes three recent arrests. The best Michigan could do on the blotter is tackle Larry Harrison’s 2006 conviction for indecently exposing himself all over Ann Arbor.
My alma matter, UCLA, punked number one Ohio State in the 1976 Rose Bowl and upset Michigan in the second round of the 1998 NCAA tourney. And had Ty Edney's little runner fallen in 1993, Michigan's Chris Webber would never have had the opportunity to make the second biggest mistake ever committed in an NCAA final.
Nobody from Michigan is starring down Jack Nicklaus but then again, nobody from OSU is out-swimming Michael Phelps.
By virtue of sheer numbers, OSU probably has better looking girls than Michigan but per capita, it might be close. On second thought – does it really matter? The Midwest is the Midwest!
My friend Kim went to Law School at Michigan and she is probably smarter and cooler than anyone who has ever gone to Ohio State.
Michigan clearly turns out better doctors, lawyers and bankers, but OSU turns out better veterinarians (it helps that UM doesn’t have a school).
In the black actors category, OSU produced Superfly while Michigan produced James Earl Jones – edge Buckeyes.
In the stadium “nickname” category, I’ll take “The Horseshoe” over the “Big House,” and on tradition, I’ll take “Script Ohio” over “Hail Hail to Michigan.”
Michigan produced God while the best QB out of Columbus – Art Schlichter - gambled his way out of the NFL. – big edge Wolves.
Ann Arbor is fifth on my list of “best college towns” in America list while Columbus is well . . . . . . .Columbus.
Ohio has a lot of Heartland Republicans and Michigan has the largest arab community in the country. It’s just a matter of time before Ohio invades under the auspicies that Michigan is hiding WMDs.
In hoops, the all-time Ohio State team of John Havlicek, Jerry Lucas, Clark Kellogg, Michael Redd and Jimmy Jackson edges the all-time Michigan team of Glen Rice, Chris Webber, Cazzie Russell, Ricky Green, and Jalen Rose. The difference – Bobby Knight on the sidelines for OSU.
When it comes to baseball, Michigan has Barry Larkin, but OSU had Frank Howard. Too close to call.
The Olympics is close as well as Jessie Owens starred down Hitler and won four gold medals in Berlin while Mike Phelps won eight medals – six gold - in Athens. This is really tough. On the one hand, Owens embarrassed der fuhrer, but he was running and jumping against a bunch of slow white guys. Fast forward 70 years - Phelps wasn’t swimming against many slow black guys. Edge Phelps.
Ann Coulter went to Michigan which is a massive strike against the school, but my hero Jack Kervorkian, also a UM alum, helps offset this blemish. As an aside, I wouldn’t mind seeing Ann come down with some horrific disease and no doctor at her bedside willing to pull her plug. Isn’t irony a bitch!
When it comes to comedy, OSU has Richard Lewis while UM has David Allen Grier. Neither are funny but Lewis’ role on Curb Your Enthusiasm ends up being the difference. Edge Buckeyes.
Michigan has Lucy Liu, Madonna and Alice from the Brady Bunch. The best OSU can do is the lady who was married to Ray Romano on his dopey show. Edge Wolverines.
Michigan has had a guy in the White House and in this contest, he is running unopposed since the best OSU can muster is that guy on Fox who hosts John Kasich’s Heartland.
For my money, Kirk Herbstreit is a better commentator than fellow-Buck Clark Kellogg, and as long as we are in broadcasting, I’ll take Herb over that self-righteous UM grad Mike Wallace. Big edge Buckeyes, especially when you consider that they have Jack Buck on the bench and he just happened to have the greatest home run call of all-time. “We’ll see you tomorrow night!”
During the nineties, my Pats hit it big with UM grad Ty Law while OSU draftees Andy Katzenmoyer and Terry Glenn both turned out to be huge pussies. This decade, OSU grad Mike Vrabel has helped the Buckeye cause in New England but he wasn’t a draftee and he’s no Tom Brady.
Prediction – Ohio State 28 Michigan 20
Enjoy the game!
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