Feb 17 - Please ESPN - No More Mike Patrick

It was the theatre of the absurd last night as ESPN turned back the clock 24 years during their presentation of the North Carolina and Virginia basketball game. In broadcasting one of their contrived "retro" games last night, ESPN pulled out all of their stupid tricks while trying to dress up a pig of a game. You had Len Elmore wearing the ridiculous wig, the production crew hauling out antiquated graphics and the players wearing some Nike-produced throwback jerseys. This is a network addicted to nostalgia so this is something that the Sportsaholic has come to expect. Its lame and stupid but its something that is fairly easy to live with. However, the one thing that I don't understand is this. If you are going to turn back back the clock, you got to turn it back entirely. And that means using a 1981 play-by-play man and not that idiot who goes by the name of Mike Patrick. I can live with the gimmicks, but how come the suits at ESPN didn't take it a step further and give us fans a one-night reprieve from the Butcher from Bristol? This guy has been killing me for a decade. He hawks hyperbole like a Taiwaneese street vendor peddles pirated DVDs. With Mike Patrick, nothing is ever average or fine or decent or modest. Its always super or unbelievable or incredible or fantastic. He has a knack of turning the ordinary into something such as: "CAN YOU BELEIVE WHAT WE JUST SAW?" Easy Mike, it was only a made free throw. When Patrick's on the call, the viewing public never gets even a whiff of objectivity and criticism. And Patrick's signature line - "are you kidding me" - is nails on the chalkboard as far as the Sportsholic is concerned. After years of dereliction, ESPN this year finally pardoned the public when it broke up the Vitale-Patrick nightmare. That tandem - like Zak and Screech - had haunted the viewing public for far too long, but why not take it a step further and just pink slip the play-by-play piriah. Patrick has spent years ruining Sunday night football and ACC basketball, and its time for him to go. Where the hell are George Grande and Tom Mees when you need them? Please, readers, this is a rhetorical question so no emails with the answer.

While Patrick and Elmore were clowning around in the booth, complimenting each other on their rather average costumes, UNC was dismantling Virginia at center court. In two games this year, Virginia has proven that it doesn't belong on the same floor as North Carolina. UVA came into this game with three straight wins after coach Pete Gillen shuffled his lineup, but the Cavs had no answer for the Heels who shot 54 percent from the field. And has anyone noticed the work that Sean May has been doing of late on the glass. Doughboy had 16 boards last night and now has 47 in his last three games. With all due respect to Julius Peppers, May is the best rebounder the Heels have had since Antawn Jamison. North Carolina still worries me a bit in the big spot, but this team has proven that it can steamroll mediocrity.

Its being reported this morning that New England Patriot inside backer Teddy Bruschi checked into a Boston Hospital last night suffering from stroke-like symptoms. Initial reports suggest that Bruschi was suffering from a severe headache, some paralysis and blurred vision. The team put out a statement saying Bruschi is in good condition, although he will undergo some additional testing today. This doesn't sound too good to me. Knee injuries are bad, but they pale in comparison to neurological irregularities. ACLs can be reconstructed but I don't recall many stroke victims getting back on the field. How can you call out the plays when you can't speak? Perhaps Teddy just ate some bad shell fish, but it seems more likely that ten years of violence may be beginnning to take its toll on the heart and soul of the Pats defense. If this turns out to be serious, and I think it may, the Pats have some big questions at middle linebacker. Roman Pfeffier is a candidate for retirement and Teddy Johnson isn't getting any younger. With this development, the Pats list of off-season priorities has certainly changed. I will miss number 54 if this indeed is the end of the road.

It seems that the Sacramento Kings are tyring to prove that their critics were right all along. Since edging past the lowly-Knicks on February 4th, the Kings are 1-6. Granted, there are some tough losses in there, including two pointers to Phoenix and Dallas, but the Kings didn't exactly storm into the all-star break. There was a lot of talk after the all-star team was selected that the Kings got ripped off. Brad Miller was singled out as a victim of some great injustice. Brad is a nice player, but who other then Brad's mom cares whether he makes the all-star game or not? I can just imagine what Allen Iverson might say on this issue: MILLER? MILLER? Man, we're talking about BRAD MILLER here. Miller refused counsel and argued his own case last night by going 2 of 10 against the Nets and their vaunted front line of Kristic and Collins. Brad, that wasn't Parrish and McHale. I guess last night we got treated to the low-carb Miller-Lite.

Last night, a couple of bubble teams had opportunities to pitch their cases to the NCAA tourney selection committee and each came up with a big doughnut. We start with Minnesota, which was attempting to stem a two-game slide at Michigan State. Well, they stemmed nothing last night. They got blown out by the Spartans and the Gophers must now face a selection committee without a single quality win. The Gophers must win at least three of four games coming in and will need at least one win in the conference tourney. Anything less and Minnesota will probably be playing for the big knitting needle. Arkansas was in a similar spot last night at Alabama, and like the Gophers, the hogs came up small. As I mentioned yesterday, the razorbacks have chalked up a half dozen wins over a collection of unaccredited sourthern schools and they now have big problems. I am not even sure a 3-0 finish and a win in the SEC tourney can elevate this group out of the slop. They probably need to reach the SEC finals to earn a bid.

While Minnesota and Arkansas failed in big spots, Notre Dame won a big game to help solidify its resume and North Carolina State came up with a win that perhaps gets them back into the selection picture. After beating Georgetown, Notre Dame is only 15-8, but they have a ton of quality wins and I suspect that have now done enough good work to assure a spot in the tourney. Chris Quinn had another solid game for the Irish last night - 4 for 4 and 18 points - and he is making a late push for all-conference honors. Next, we go to Raleigh where NC State beat Maryland 82-63 last night. The Wolfpack are stuck at 15-10, but with back-to-back wins over Georgia Tech and Maryland, Herb Sendek's crew has fought its way back to the bubble. NCSU still has a ways to go and will probably need to beat either UNC or Wake Forest to get over the hump, but at least the Pack are still relevant. Maryland, on the other hand, just can't get any momentum going. What can you say about a team that sweeps Duke but gets swept by NC State? That may have made sense in 1974, but it makes no sense today.

While we are in the ACC, lets take a second to discuss what is going on in Atlanta. Things are not pretty at Georgia Tech. This is a squad that went to the final game last year and virtually everyone returned from that team. Expectations coming in to this season were higher then they have been since the Mark Price-Duane Ferrel days. The team got off to a fast start, but BJ Elder then got hurt against Kansas and things went south. GT apolgists claimed things would improve when Elder returned, but these predictions have not been borne out. BJ was back for a lethargic win over Clemson and he was out there missing 8 of 10 shots during the loss to NC State. This is a team with loads of talent, but they are not clicking right now. Next Wednesday's game at home against Duke is a big test for Georgia Tech. This team seems to be short on confidence and a win over Duke may get them headed in the right direction.

Its Throwdown Thursday according to ESPN, but despite this claim, the schedule is a bit light. Duke is on the tube tonight but my guess is Vitale will be in the house so that is not a viewing option, at least not with the sound on. The lead-in to that game is Marquette fighting for its life at home against Louisville.. The Warriors have won two of three since getting Travis Diener back and they need him to come up big if they are going to take out the Cardinals. Out west, UCLA really can't afford to lose tonight at Cal. The Bruins could use a sweep of the Bay Area schools this week and cannot afford anything less then a split. With that said, I don't like the Bruin's outlook with a loss tonight. Is it possible that the Pac-10 is only going to get two spots in the tourney? Its not inconceivable if all these teams keep splitting agaisnt each other.