April 18 - Clarke Disconnected At MCI

*Note from the Editor – This column lost one of its eight readers today when a friend began work at his new job. For those of you remaining, and there aren’t many, pass this along to friends and take a second to file a comment once in a while. And for those of you who read this at work – show some balls. Big Brother isn’t watching. Submitting a comment to a blog is not a fireable offense, unless of course you were a tard to begin with. Boy do we have a lot today – there is tons of golf from Hilton Head, we got a bunch on Brady’s appearance on SNL, and the Yankess catch hell today. Plus, we have plenty of baseball observations from the weekend, a trivia question, Matt Doherty resurfacing in Boca and the story of a jaw breaker out at USC. Enjoy!

Rumblings from Hilton Head – Is there a pub between the fifth green and sixth tee at Hilton Head? There must be and Darren Clarke must have sneaked in there and had a few drinks during his round yesterday because there is no other way to explain his collapse over the final thirteen holes at the MCI. Clarke was cruising at the time, as he was four under through yesterday’s first five holes. What followed was a certifiable four-alarm meltdown - two bogeys and a double into the turn and a forty on the backside. In other words, Clarke was nine over on the final thirteen on his way to a two shot loss to Australian Peter Lonard. That isn’t just a run of the mill collapse. For Gods sake – that is Greg Norman. Speaking of Aussies, Lonard wasn’t exactly clean coming in as he shot four over on those same thirteen holes. I guess he was pounding Foster’s while Clarke was downing pints of Guinness. Despite Clarke’s poor play, these two playing partners were still tied in the fairway at 18 when Clarke gagged and pulled a relatively easy eight iron into some prime South Carolina marshland. Lonard should enjoy his gift because they don’t come too often – at least not as finely wrapped as this one.

Did you see who came in tied for second this weekend? Yep, it was none other then five-time MCI winner Davis Love. This guy absolutely dominates this track, which happens to be just up the road from Love’s Sea Island home. In fact, five of Love’s 18 tour wins have come at Hilton Head. I suspect that among players who have a dozen wins, only Mark O’Meara has won a greater percentage of his tour victories at the same venue (O’Meara has won five of his 16 victories at Pebble). Now if only the PGA would hold a Ryder Cup down at Hilton Head, Love might be able to improve on his 9-12-5 record.

Speaking of sponsors, what will happen to this tourney next year when MCI is a part of Verizon or Qwest? For those of you who don’t read the WSJ, MCI is currently being courted by these two Baby Bells and there is little doubt that it will be bought out in short order. So what will happen to this sponsorship, which has been under the MCI-Worldcom umbrella since 1987, making it one of the longest running sponsor relations on tour? It is entirely possible that the PGA will open up the bidding and this tourney will no longer be sponsored by a telco. I say that because Verizon doesn’t seem too interested in golf. When they bought GTE in the late 90’s, Verizon inherited GTE’s sponsorship of the Byron Nelson, but that has been dropped and picked up by EDS. And I believe that Qwest used to sponsor the International in its home city of Denver, but due to liquidity concerns, that sponsorship was dropped as well. Qwest’s financial profile has certainly not improved much since that time so there is little reason to think we will be talking about the Qwest Heritage next year. If neither of MCI’s acquirers retain this sponsorship, there will be only three telco stops left of tour – the Bell South in Atlanta, the Bell Canadian Open and the SBC/AT&T on the Monterey Peninsula. This pales in comparison to the eleven tourneys that are singularly sponsored by auto companies and the eight tourneys sponsored by banks and other financial service companies.

Last point on Hilton Head - this will be perhaps the final year that former Worldcom Chairman Bernie Ebbers will be able to watch his former tourney from the comfort of his own home. His appeal of a highly prejudicial criminal conviction may keep him free for another year, but sooner or later, Ebbers is going to watch this tourney from the inside of federal prison. And just think, it was only a few short years ago that Ebbers was handing out winners checks down at Hilton Head while scheming with his inner circle of ways to defraud investors.

Tom Brady hosted Saturday Night Live this week and the results were a bit on the shaky side as the writers forced him to play with a dreadful game plan. The writing was truly awful and making Tom play with Rachel Dratch and Amy Poehler is a bit like making him play in the Super Bowl with backup Cedric Cobbs at running back and some receivers off the extended practice squad. Heck, there were certainly no Will Ferrell’s or Chris Farley’s out there to protect Brady’s backside or get deep down the field for some big laughs. The game started off alright as Brady’s opening monologue was decent and showed off some decent skills. It wasn’t a touchdown drive, but I’ll give him three points for his dance moves. He followed that up with a skit that featured him as a guy who couldn’t throw a football through a hole at an amusement park. Again, it was not horrible, but it was certainly nothing to get too excited about. I’ll be generous and say Vinaterri nailed a long one for Tom to get another three on the board. What followed was real ugly. There was a horrific skit with Rachal Dratch where Tom and her pretended to be a couple receiving some counseling from Dr. Phil. This was a BOMB and therefore I am giving this TD to the opposition. What followed was a ridiculous cameo where Tom played a lost hiker in a moronic skit about a guy who was half man and half falcon. Since it was just a cameo, I am only going to award three points to Tom’s opponent. So at halftime, Brady is only down 10-6.

The second half opened with Tom having to scramble for his life in an atrocious skit promoting a fictitious Middle Eastern restaurant in South Jersey. This was clearly a touchdown for the defense. But just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, the game was broken open when Tom had to play a character who was struggling with the decision of whether to get married. The skit ended in an Amy Poehler fumble which led to a touchdown and a two point conversion. Adding insult to injury was another “Behind the Music” sketch where Brady played Jim MacMahon of the 1985 Bears. It wasn’t a disaster but Brady was sacked in the end zone for a safety. The game ended with Brady getting a meaningless three off a skit that featured an impression of Peyton and Donovan, but it wasn’t nearly enough to win or cover the spread. The final score: 27-9. That certainly isn’t a victory and I have to admit I was expecting a bit better performance. But again, he was weighed down by poor surrounding talent and a terrible game plan. Other athletes – such as Nancy Kerrigan, Marvin Hagler and Wayne Gretzky – had no such liabilities when they appeared and that is why I am not ready to put Brady’s performance at the bottom of the SNL scrap heap. He did not shine, but we are not talking about Tony Eason in the 1985 Super Bowl here. No, I am going to cut Tom some slack here and say his performance was more like Scott Zolak’s 21 of 44 in the Patriots 25-10 wildcard loss to Jacksonville in 1998.

Trivia Question of the Day - In SNL history, nineteen sports figures – and that includes athletes, coaches, broadcasters, coaches and owners - have appeared on the show since it debuted in 1975. The 19th is a bit of a stretch since I don’t consider race drivers to be athletes, and I also excluded Hulk Hogan and The Rock, even though the latter did play defensive line at the University of Miami. I have already given you a couple hints above, but see how many you can name. I would say ten are either obvious or easily remembered, but there are some unusual ones that even the Sportsaholic had trouble remembering. See how many you can name. Answers will be posted in tomorrow’s column.

“Enough is Enough!” Those are the words of George Steinbrenner who finally broke yesterday after watching his $200 Million dollar team manhandled by the Orioles. Darth Vader followed that up by saying “It is unbelievable to me that the highest paid-team in baseball would start the season in such a funk.” You think Brian Cashman slept a wink last night? Well, it seems Steinbrenner is a bit peeved that his billion dollar babies can’t get a clutch hit, his geriatric staff can’t keep the ball inside the park and his pigpen can’t hold a lead. I guess he thought $200 million was supposed to buy you a few wins. Think again. Right now, he has spent $15 million for his four wins this season. That is a bunch of cash when you consider Tampa has spent about $2.5 million on its four wins. Talk about overpaying. That is like spending seventy grand on a Ford Focus. Now it is quite obvious George timed this little outburst with a break in the schedule as Tampa is coming in tonight for a little two game set. The Yankees swept Tampa in the Bronx last year so it is safe to assume they will get a couple of wins over the next two days. As such, George will be able to take credit for the turnaround even if it unravels when the Yanks face some tough Toronto pitching later in the week. So is there cause for concern in Yankee land? I would say concern is well justified while panic is a bit premature. There is no doubt that this team could fix itself in a hurry. They just got done playing a tough stretch and it is possible that they will fatten up against some easier competition. But there are some warning signs that are troubling. First off, there is a ton of age on this team and who is to say that three or four question marks don’t all fall off a cliff this year. Clearly Bernie and Tino are done, and who is to say Giambi will ever snap back. But more importantly, what happens if one of more of the following are cooked: Johnson, Mussina, Posada and Marianio. Each has shown cracks this year and the Yanks have BIG issues if a couple of these guys break down at the same time. And that really wouldn’t come as much of a surprise to me. RJ is 41, Mussina is closing in on 3000 MLB innings, Posada has been overused for years and Rivera is not a kid. Guys get old – it is a fact of life. The Yanks big concern is what happens if all their aging guys get old at once. Then they have problems and big ones at that. After all, this is a team built to win right now. Furthermore, even if the older guys do pick it up, the one thing I can say with confidence is this team’s bullpen STINKS. Tom Gordon simply cannot protect a lead against anyone other then the dregs of baseball. He is like that state-of-the-art car alarm that scares off the kids but not the professional crooks. And don’t get me started on guys like Stanton, Karsay, Rodriguez and Quantril. That collection of garbage needs to be deposited in a hazardous waste disposal site. The Yankees have about $12 million invested in this quartet, which is shocking since its street value is roughly $3 million dollars. I am not ready to start dancing on George’s grave at this moment, but I am watching the situation with great interest, because if this thing blows up, the Yankees, and their largely phony fan base, are in for quite a ride. MAY THE CURSE OF GAYROD LIVE ON!

Baseball Observations – American League: The Indians are really struggling at the plate despite yesterday’s win over the Twins. It is hard to imagine this offense is going to stay this quiet for too much longer. The Sox righted themselves this weekend against the Devil Rays, but they always manhandle the Rays. I am more interested to see how they do in the upcoming four with Toronto and Baltimore. Nonetheless, after holding Tampa to just three runs over the weekend, the Sox lowered their team ERA by more than a full run. I feel sorry for Dewon Brazelton every time he pitches. This solid kid has overcome tons of obstacles in life, but he just seems overmatched every time Lou sends him out to the mound, especially on the road and particularly against the Red Sox. I am rooting for this kid to make it in this league. Toronto pitcher Josh Towers got lit up Sunday after a couple of nice starts but teammate Gustavo Chacin is 3-0 after beating the Rangers on Saturday night. Chacin, a young lefthander, is a bit unorthodox, but it looks like he can get people out. I will wait to see how he does against the Yanks on Thursday before I get too excited by this kid. I watched a bunch of the Angles game yesterday and John Lackey is batting practice. Meanwhile, I love Mark Kotsay. He may not have a ton of speed for a leadoff guy, but he works counts and gets things done. He has an opt-out clause in his contract after the season and I would love to see this guy in Boston in Damon bolts through free agency. Brian Roberts has absolutely destroyed the Yankees this year and I am sure George Steinbrenner is already plotting to sign this kid when he becomes a free agent after the 2006 season.

Observations – National League: Saturday morning, I spoke of three players mired in slumps – Manny Ramirez, J.D. Drew and Scott Rolen. Each jacked home runs this weekend. Do the Nationals have something going on at RFK or do the Diamond Backs just stink? It is probably the latter although that D.C. lineup has some bite. Vinny Castilla sure wore out Arizona, going seven for ten with two bombs. About the only thing not working for Washington is Christian Guzman who is 5 for 44 with one double. After watching Josh Beckett go down Friday and the Florida bullpen blow a game for Al Leiter on Saturday, A.J. Burnett went out and dominated the Mets with a four hitter on Sunday. That is what you call a stopper. Meanwhile, Tom Glavine is looking real spotty early on. He is having a lot of trouble with his control as evidenced by his ten walks in fifteen innings. Is it just me or is something wrong with the universe when Ken Griffey is hitting second and Joe Randa is batting cleanup? The Astros scored five runs on Sunday, but they need Lance Berkman back yesterday. They are 14th in the NL in scoring even though they have played eight of eleven at cozy parks in Houston and Cincinnati. It is nearly impossible to tell what kind of team the Giants have based on the first two weeks of the season. They get points for being 6-5 without Bonds, but five of their wins have come against Colorado. The Giants got their win on Sunday when Michael Tucker blasted a Byung-Hyun Kim offering over the right-center wall with bases stacked. Somebody should tell the Rockies that they are under no obligation to use Kim in difficult spots. He is simply not cut out for that work, although I will say he has had a few scoreless outings early this year. Nomar and Corey are still stuck on a single extra base hit while Corey leads Nomar in strikeouts 13-7. The Brewers got completely shut out at home this weekend by the Cardinals even though they got pretty decent starting pitching. Check it out – the Brewers are second in NL team ERA through the first two weeks of the season. Imagine that – another great Brave pitching performance was spoiled by Danny Kolb. First it was John Smoltz and last night it was Mike Hampton. He sure is making friends quickly. And what about Bret Myers start? He didn’t get the win last night, but Myers was terrific and he has now only given up only fourteen hits and two walks in twenty innings. He finally may be ready to explode. That Kahlil Green injury is a real stinger for the Padres who were having trouble enough scoring runs with their shortstop in the lineup. And finally, who needs Eric Gagne when you have guys like Jeff Weaver and Derrick Lowe go the distance. This weekend’s sweep of San Diego was nice work by the men in blue.

I have long thought that Michael Westbrook’s first round TKO over Stephen Davis was the greatest upset in intra-team fighting history. In case you have forgotten the incident, these two skins went at it in 1997 when they were both Washington Redskins. As I recall, the 240 pound Davis threw a homosexual slur at Westbrook, and the 190 pound receiver responded by pounding Davis into the turf. From all accounts, Westbrook absolutely destroyed Davis and had to be restrained before he destroyed Washington’s running game. So now there is word out of Southern California that Trojan receiver Steve Smith took a swing at 260 pound Tight End Dominique Byrd and ended up breaking the big guy’s jaw. When asked about the fight, Smith had this to say: “"I was like, 'You know Byrd … I really don't want to fight you. He was like, 'Nah, we've got to.' So I swung." Smith is being too modest as evidenced by the fact that ever since he connected with that punch, Byrd has been sipping his meals. The moral to this story is you should always put your money on the wide receiver when he is going up against a larger man. That is of course unless the bigger man is a known killer like Ray Lewis. By the way, Westbrook’s fight may not have been the fluke that I once thought. It has come to my attention that he is now involved in “no holds barred” cage fighting. In fact, he was supposed to enter the cage with former Michigan and New York giant running back Jerrod Bunch in late February, although I cannot confirm whether that shitshow actually took place.

Everyone knew Matt Doherty would have to take a big back step if he wanted to coach in college basketball again, but going from North Carolina to Florida Atlantic is more then just a step. A step would have been UMASS or a Tulsa. Florida Atlantic is more like a standing broad jump backwards. In case you don’t know, Florida Atlantic plays in the Atlantic Sun Conference with a bunch of schools like Mercer, Stetson, Campbell, Belmont and Gardner Webb. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that these are the last names of five brothers hanging out playing cards. Doherty had to take a hit after he nurtured a mutiny at UNC, but this fall is more then this scribe contemplated. Heck, if this were medical school, Doherty would be studying medicine in Grenada. There have been other great falls in college coaching history, but this one has to rank near the top. In fact, I would put it right up there with Larry Farmer getting booted from UCLA and showing up at Weber State. There is at least one scribe who does not agree with me on this issue and that is Prick Vitale who has written that Doherty’s signing “is a great moment for the people of Florida Atlantic.” Great? Is he kidding? The kids at Florida Atlantic must have had pretty horrendous lives if this moment qualities as great. Somebody needs to tell Prick that the English language contains adjectives other then great, super and terrific.