April 21 - The NBA Playoffs are Brought to you by Ambien

The NBA playoffs are finally upon us after a completely forgettable year and the only question I have is whether ANYONE still cares about this made-for-TV event? I am not kidding. I don’t know more then a handful of people who have even a passing interest in this spectacle which will take more then six hellish weeks to complete. There is simply no juice left in this glass. It isn’t half full as optimists claim – it is completely dry. NBA junkies, who are currently protected under the Endangered Species Act, will tell you there are a number of compelling stories in play this post-season, but I don’t see any of them getting my pulse above 68. I may get into a series or two and I will watch a quarter here and a quarter there, but you won’t catch me sitting there on Sunday watching the NBA in lieu of the Shell Houston Open or the Colonial. I will concede there will be times over the next couple weeks I will be watching the Sacramento Kings play, but it is only because it will be 2:00 AM on the East Coast and the West Coast baseball games will have ended an hour earlier. As far as I am concerned, the NBA playoffs are something to be watched out of the corner of your eye or perhaps caught between commercials on other stations. And this is a shame because I used to be a big NBA fan. Growing up, the NBA playoffs were almost on par with the Baseball playoffs and just a notch below the NCAAs in my book. To this scribe, the mid-80s were the high-water mark and I held on through the rise and fall of Michael Jordan, but ever since that night when number 23 put away Utah for the second time, my interest has been fading. Fast forward to this year, and my interest barely registers on even the most precise diagnostic equipment. As such, I will equate my NBA viewing habits over the next six weeks to the play of Vince Carter. As Vince does, I will show up from time to time, but my heart won’t really be in it and I’ll never take it hard to the hoop and demand that a bartender show a particular game. I’ll save that chip for something more important like a rerun of Leave it to Beaver.

Whatever happened to David Stern’s promise to shorten the first round of the NBA playoffs? In case you forgot, Stern caved to pressure last year and said the NBA would no longer spread the first round over an absolutely ridiculous eighteen day period. That schedule was constructed so the NBA could spread its disgusting smorgasbord over three full weekends, as if this would have any positive impact on the league’s abysmal ratings. So Stern relented to pressure and came up with a new plan this year which calls for the first round to be compressed to a mere sixteen days. This is almost too asinine to lampoon. It would be like making fun of the special education kids in middle school. You know they are retarded and they know they are retarded – so does it make much sense to make a big deal of it? Why in the world does the NBA torment us like this. There is absolutely no reason for the first round to last more then fourteen days. NONE! As such, here is my recommended strategy and I believe it is the only viable option available. In a perfect world, you would stagger the start where four series start one day and four the next. Then, each series is played every other night, just like it was in the good old days. Under such a plan, the second group of series would be completed on the fourteenth day. Cmon Dave, get with the program and shave a couple days off this dog’s mangy coat. If you shave two days here and two days there, suddenly we are talking about the finals ending before the anniversary of D-Day. That should be your goal since your ratings stink regardless of whether you play on a weekday or the weekend. With that said, let’s err on the side of haste and get this procedure over as quick and painlessly as possible.

For the second year in a row, Lebron James will be watching the playoffs from the comfort of his very nice home. This is the case because the New Jersey Nets last night were able to beat Boston and secure the eighth and final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. The Nets showed a lot of resilience this year, rebounding form a 2-9 start and the loss of Ricardo Jefferson to finish at 42-40 and sneak by Cleveland by virtue of a tiebreaker. As Cleveland picks up the pieces of its late season collapse, the last thing I want to hear is any whining from James. His team had a hammerlock on a playoff spot six weeks ago, yet frittered it away with a series of poor performances down the stretch. If I had to point to two critical games that killed the Cavs, I would single out an April 5 slaughter at home to the Nets and an April 14 loss at home against Isiah’s Idiots. In the first instance, Lebron and his Cavs lost by 31 to the Nets. The last team to lose by 31 at home was the Republican Guard in 1991. That just shouldn’t happen especially against the mediocre Nets. Meanwhile, the loss to the Knicks in Ohio, while in the throes of a playoff hunt, is just unexplainable. The Knicks couldn’t beat anyone down the stretch, but on that night, Jimmy Crawford torched King James and ended up delivering what turned out to be a deathblow. A lot of things went wrong for the Cavs over the past two months, but these two games are the ones that Cleveland fans will look back on with particular contempt. But look on the bright side Cavalier fans. You now have some balls in that lotto and if your number comes up, Chris Paul would look pretty good alongside James.

Baseball Observations – National League: The Dodgers were hot without any contribution from J.D. Drew but that cracker is starting to heat up. The peach state choir boy had four hits last night including a game tying blast in the eighth but it was Jose Valentin’s triple in the tenth that sparked the Dodgers to their eighth win in a row. The Dodgers are slugging almost .500 as a team and as a result, I don’t hear anyone still blasting the team for letting Adrian Beltre split. What was Brian Cashman thinking when he threw Yhency Brazoban into the Jeff Weaver for Kevin Brown deal? You think he doesn’t wish every day he had Brozoban back in that shaky Yankee pen? The Braves offense is putrid, having scored the second fewest runs in the NL. Andrew Jones did his part last night going 0-4 and leaving five guys stranded. It is hard to fault the Braves front office for anything but why is this guy still in Atlanta? The situation in Denver is bleak but Clint Barmes is a bright spot as he is killing the ball right know (.463). Aaron Heilman returned to earth last night as he labored down in Miami. What are the Mets going to do with Victor Diaz when Mike Cameron returns? Here is one suggestion – bat him cleanup and eat some of Cameron’s contract as they push him out the door. Diaz can hit and his bat has to be in that lineup. Meanwhile, someone has to tell Jose Reyes that on ball four, the player gets first base. He has no walks in 67 at bats. That is not acceptable for a leadoff guy. Beckett wasn’t great last night but he sure was good enough. Nomar tore his scrotum last night so I guess Mia will have to take care of herself over the next several months. Garciaparra wasn’t doing anything on the field so it is hard to argue that Dusty will miss him too much. Has anyone fallen as far and as quickly as Nomie? Zambrano and Prior have given the Cubs great pitching over the past two nights and guess what – Jeff Suppan lost another game at home. Why was Oliver Perez lifted last night after four? I guess throwing only 48 strikes in 92 pitches had something to do with it. OP now has 16 walks in 19 innings. The D Backs got Brandon Lyon as a throw-in as part of the Curt Schilling trade. Don’t look now, but the guy already has six saves while the centerpiece of the trade – Casey Fossum – is throwing meaningless middle relief for Tampa.

Baseball Observations – American League: David Wells was awesome last night as he completely handcuffed the potent Orioles. You know you have done something right when Brian Roberts goes hitless. Fatass was helped last night by Jason Varitek who actually hit a home run that meant something. Bruce Chen pitched a lot better then his line indicates, as he had the Sox tied up until Varitek went yard in the sixth. The White Sox are almost as hot as the Ddogers as John Garland picked up his third win last night. Buehrle goes against Bonderman this afternoon in a game that should be fun to watch. Too bad the MLB package passed over this game in order to bring us KC and Minny. Let me get this straight – the Yankees can’t hit Bruce Chen or Hideo Nomo but they can drill a tough lefty like Ted Lilly? That makes no sense whatsoever. God help them if they ever come up against Chan Ho or Arron Sele. Should Ryan Drese get credit for a win last night? After all, he did give up seven in five and change. There should be a separate statistical category for those type games. The Rangers got Lance Nix back last night and he promptly knocked out three hits. With Nix replacing Gary Mathews in center, Bernie Williams unquestionably is the worst centerfielder in the AL. The Royals weren’t good enough to win last night but at least they kept Johan Santana from notching his fourth win. If you want to know why the Twins are so good just take in the following stat. The Twins strike out more then six guys for every walk given up. The next highest team in the league strikes out only 2.6 guys per every walk. Control is everything and the Twins have it in large supply. Bartolo Colon is off to a hot start as he picked up his third win last night. The Angels need a huge season out of this guy because the rest of their starters stink. Meanwhile, where are all those Steve Finely fans who claimed on Opening Day that the centerfielder was the best free agent pickup in the entire off-season? Cleveland’s offense is a joke right now. Ichiro’s run for .400 took a hit over the past three nights as he has only two hits in 13 at bats. Huston Street sure didn’t look last night as if he were ready to become Oakland’s closer anytime soon.

Clemson corner back Justin Miller sure knows how to market himself to the NFL. Just days before the NFL draft, Miller, who was potentially a late first round pick, was busted last weekend in South Carolina for disorderly conduct and causing a ruckus. According to reports, Miller was hanging out with some Clemson players at a party to celebrate the end of Spring Practice when all hell broke loose. While a female cop was trying to bust up the party, Miller supposedly lost it and began screaming for partygoers to disobey police orders. Miller then put up a fight when police moved in to arrest him for his antics. This is a helluva move that is just dripping with stupidity. NFL teams are putting an increasing emphasis of selecting kids with good character and Miller did not help himself in this area by being arrested. This kid has to be a full-blown idiot to put himself in this spot. The arrest is probably not as bad as running a 4.7 40 at the combine, but it is equivalent to perhaps running something in the high 4.5s. It signifies a total lack of judgment and don’t think for a second that a number of NFL front offices didn’t take notice. NFL teams read those blotter sheets in college towns with a fine tooth comb and this one surely cropped up on the radar. And so what happens to Miller? My guess is he falls 15 spots which isn’t a full blown disaster. After all, it is not like he raped anyone or assaulted anyone. Had that happened, Miller probably wouldn’t have been picked until Oakland selected early in the third.

It is interesting to note that Scouts Inc. has a mock draft out on ESPN.com where Justin Miller is expected to be selected by the Patriots with the final pick in the first round. Have these guys not seen the news of Miler’s arrest or have they lost their minds and think Bill Belichek will simply overlook it on draft day. I hope it is the former because to assume the latter would indicate a total disregard for how the Patriots operate. Listen, Belichek did hit a home run when he brought in problem child Corey Dillon, but this is not a guy who has a lot of patience for guys with questionable character. In fact, he is all about character and you have to wonder whether he would ever take a kid who got entangled with the police just days before his lifelong dream came to fruition. Hey, I could be proven wrong on Saturday, but I have to think Miller’s arrest caused him to fall a long way down New England’s draft board. Interestingly enough, there is also speculation that the Pats may select Georgia linebacker Odell Thurman with their first pick. In case you haven’t heard, Thurman scored 12 out of 50 of the NFL’s wonderlic test which is intended to test intelligence. Twelve isn’t a bad score. Twelve is an abomination. To put a twelve into perspective, Grady Little got a 15, Isiah Thomas got a 14, the retarded kid from Life Goes On got an 11 and Terry Schiavo got a six. Again, the Pats put a premium on intelligence and it is clear from the wonderlic that Thurman comes up short in this category. As such, I wouldn’t think his rights will be owned by New England come Saturday around 7:00 P.M. If I had to guess, I would say he falls to the Raiders at 38.